Currently I would rather be 6 feet under than feeling the cramps that I am having. I dont know where they come from but I am overwhelmed by their strength in my body. It's funny because just yesterday on our bike ride, I was thanking God for revealing new things to me about my body and my strength. I had a great talk with Him and felt His presence and yet today I am reminded that my body, as strong as it is, is cursed. I am a woman and every single month I feel this pain. PMS is the worst possible thing that I could feel. During this time I am either irritable and angry, or I am sad and have thoughts of death which lead to panic, or songs that go through my head all night long causing me to lose sleep. I dont think that many women can relate to the severity of symptoms that I experience each month but what I do know is that something is going to have to be done. I feel as if I just birthed another child...thats how much pain I'm in today. I feel disconnected from EVERYONE. I feel groggy and almost dopey (although I havent taken any medication whatsoever) and I feel tired.
Extremely, overwhelmingly, ridiculously tired. blah....
The kids have tested me to my limits today as well. I love how they think they are funny when they dump out every single toy we own and then just leave it right there. I love how Nora thinks it's cute when she tells brother to "go away," as she pushes him, sending him into a full blown Braden fit which includes banging his head on the floor repeatedly until he realizes THAT hurts which makes him cry harder, louder and longer. I love how on days like today they refuse to eat, refuse to stay away from me, and refuse to nap. It just so happens that when I decided I wanted to take a bath and soak my back, Braden wakes up after only being down for an hour. I decided that today that wasnt going to cut it so I made him another whole bottle of milk. oops. I just dont care today. I need them to sleep. I need to sleep. I need quietness....
2 days ago on Sept. 23rd marked the one year anniversary of Daniel getting out of the Marine Corps for GOOD! Wahoo!!! It doesnt seem like it's been a whole year, but then again, it's all been a big Braden blur. haha.
Poor baby boy. I talk about him as if I dont love the socks off him and yet I do. He's so beautiful but just so dang challenging. I never understood this when parents would speak of a child the way I sometimes talk about him, and now it all makes sense. For those of you that arent mothers, or arent a mother to a child like the one I often describe--dont judge me. Someday you may be here. And when that day comes, you'll need lots of prayer, lots of friends and a willingness to admit that you need to sometimes walk away. But if you're as blessed as I am...yours will be just as beautiful as my blue eyed guy. (and maybe they'll dance as much too.) I find myself laughing at him so so so much. Almost as much as I say "this boy is gonna be the death of me." I have come to know that if I dont laugh at him, my whole world will come crashing down. He IS funny. He's just dominating and overwhelming at the same time. But, he IS funny and so I'm learning (even still) to focus on that.
Anyway, this weekend is Apple N' Pork festival! I have been waiting for months for this! I dont know why really other than it officially marks the beginning of fall and winter weather and the leaves will start changing and I will feel much healthier and happier when all of that happens. I talk as if I have that seasonal disorder but really I just feel the most cheerful in the fall. There's just something in the air...
I have my Pilate's class tonight. It's either going to kill me or help my cramps. Either way, I'm going. I need the break and I just want to relax myself a little instead of feeling so edgy. Hope everyone has an awesome weekend.
If you think about it, pray for our friend Steve who is leaving for Iraq tomorrow morning. His wife, Kalli, and I have been friends for awhile now and they have 2 young children together. This will be his second and last deployment. This is such a trying time in their lives and I remember it all too well. My heart goes out to them and I will be praying them through every day! Please do the same! Thank you all. You're such great friends and I love you dearly.
1 comment:
I will for sure pray for you.. That these cramps would leave in Jesus name. I really have never had cramps bad during that time but I do know how bad it is after having a baby... and those ones kill.. So I could probably guess the amount of pain you are in.
" I pray that the Lord would heal your body in Jesus name."
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