Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Tired of being Tired.

Life sometimes leaves me empty. This week has felt like one of those times. I feel distant and distracted. I feel sad and alone. I feel overwhelmed and tired. Which is exactly what I am. I'm tired.

Krystal got to visit home this weekend with her new boyfriend Will (who we're sure is her future husband.) It was a great time seeing them but in the midst of all of that, Braden decided to bust open his poopy diaper all over himself and the kitchen floor and just start playing in it. By the time we realized what had happened, it covered him from head to toe and he was a second away from eating a huge handful. Lovely, right? Nice first impression for Will, right?....story of my life. But other than that, Krystal had a good visit. I always realize how much I miss her when she comes for a day or two and has to leave again. It never gets easier.

I've had a headache for 8 days straight. I'm not talking a little "knock on the door" type headache...I'm talking like "massive, cannot focus, should be in bed or else I'm gonna die" type of headache. I'm exhausted from feeling the constant pain in my neck and head and I want to escape until I feel better. Although that is not a reality now as it once was as a teenager with migraines. I could go to the ER, take a massive shot to knock me out and wake up 2 days later feeling completely normal. Now, I have to suffer through it because I am needed. So So needed. I have prayed for my head and I have been prayed over for my head. I have entrusted God to heal this burden and I receive that healing. In the meantime, I pray that I would find whatever it is I am supposed to learn during this longsuffering trial.

Spiritually I feel great. I am learning that God is stirring something up in me that is very powerful. I am learning that I can feel weak and tired like this and still rely on the joy of the Lord to pull me through...and He is. God is taking my husband and changing him in so many ways and that is exciting me! It's fun to watch what the Lord has manifesting in us for the future. We're open to whatever it is He would have us to do...and for the enemy to bring this ridiculous headache--it's gotta be big! I cannot wait!

Braden turns one on Friday. I'm so sad, but really glad that we're finally at this point and have made it as gracefully as possible. I feel like I finally have a system, a plan, and a schedule and at this point life with the babies is good! Braden got his first hair cut this week! It made me cry a little but he's such a big, handsome boy now that I cant help but love love love it!
He's talking more now and is more busy than I knew he could be. He is such a joy to my life!
We are helping alot with our youth group since our youth pastors moved away. It is keeping us busy but we love it! I decided to put on a walk-a-thon for the kids to take part in, so that is coming up and I'm pumped!!!

I miss Nanny most this time of year. This week I have cried no less than 5 times thinking of her. She smelled so good in the fall time. And so did her house. I miss her so much that I literally feel ill when I stop and realize that she never got the chance to see Nora and never even knew abuot Braden. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and die. I know she isnt coming back and I wouldnt want that for one second. Her eternity in Heaven is so perfect right now that I am quite honestly, jealous. However I am still in so much pain and grief that I cant share my children with someone who isnt her. It's unfair to my heart to do so. I hope we all feel better soon...

Did I mention I am so tired??

1 comment:

Janice said...

Dear Ramee,

You don't know me, but I've been reading your blogs since pre Nora days at BabyCrowd.

Although I'm old enough to be your mother, and my youngest daughter is your age, I have felt for a very long time that you and I share a "connection" of some kind. Reading your blog today only emphasized that for me. As a young mom, I felt so much of what you are feeling today. Tired, lonely and sometimes empty. Some days, I STILL feel that way, but one big difference in my life now, is that I am a Christian and as a young mother, I was not. Now, whatever I am feeling, I can handle it so much better because I have the joy of the Lord in my heart. Boy, does that make all the difference, LOL.

I'm so happy that you recognize how Satan will try and trip you up when something good is about to happen. I can think of a few different occasions when the same thing happened to me. He used my physical body to try and foil some really good things in my life. Even today, I am having some difficulties with my back and neck, and next week I'm cooking for a Christian Dominican merenque group. I kind of have a feeling, "someone" doesn't want that to happen, LOL.

Anyway, I know it must seem strange to know that a total stranger has been reading your life for the past two years. If you don't mind sharing your email address with me, I would love to tell you of how I came to read your baby blog and why I have continued to stay with it.