Holidays are hard. They are supposed to be joyful and exciting and enjoyable. Instead, there is the deep pain that comes with knowing that we have to go through one more "happy" event that is without nanny. We go through each day without her and yet the pain seems to increase during this time of year. I miss her so much.
It's so hard for me to even go to the mall and shop for anyone else. Daniel and I went last weekend simply to look for Christmas card outfits. I didnt get that accomplished and when we were checking out the pile of clothes I bought for the kids (typical of me) I spotted the White Diamonds gift box at the register. I desperately wanted to walk up and smell it just so that I would have the fulfillment of her for a moment. So that in that moment I could remember what it was like to hold her close and smell her skin.
Nanny didnt necessarily love the holidays much either. She had lost so many people that she loved with her entire heart and although she never said how much it hurt, now I can only imagine. She made Christmas magical for us! She never went a year without decorating her house. We would, without fail, order pizza and decorate the tree. She would buy and buy and buy so that we would have more than what we ever needed on the big day. All the way up until Christmas, she would slip us little gifts as well. As I got older, I appreciated that she would buy me a holiday scented candle for my room or apartment. She was so good at giving. I long to be that way. She never missed sending a card--every holiday. I appreciated that. My mom takes after her in that way and I still tear up when I get one in the mail. I'm so grateful we have so many of her loving characteristics.
It's hard for me to go into my favorite places, even Country Junction. It's decorated so pretty and yet there is a sense of sadness. Everything this time of year reminds me of nanny. It's also so hard because the colder it gets and the more time that passes, the closer we come to the day that she went into the hospital. I wish we could skip that day every year because it is so painful for everyone. It's different for me. I was a thousand miles away and felt helpless to everyone here at home. I was pregnant and couldnt breathe because of the deep grief I already experienced. I spent the entire day finding plane tickets to get home right away. The following weeks were the most intense, painful days I will probably ever experience. I hated every second of it all, and yet within those 2 weeks I learned so much. About the people I love, what they are capable of and the faith in God that I had put my trust in for so long. I am grateful for that time that I grew with my Lord.
So, one week from today we'll celebrate Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. SO SO much. Everything in my life is a blessing. I am excited to share that day with Daniel and the kids, mom, dad, Jeni, Jake and anyone else who I might be blessed to see. I just want to focus on the things in our lives that are here, real and good. I want to put aside all of the hurt that has been caused in the last few months, all of the betrayals, all of the sadness, and all of the anger. I want to focus on the people who havent caused that kind of pain to us and enjoy their laughter. I want to remember, for that day, that it is a BLESSING that Nanny is in Heaven today and not here in this place so full of pain. She will surely be having the greatest feast! I cant wait to join her someday and smell the aroma of goodness and love once again. She was and is such a huge part of who I am and on Thanksgiving I will focus on how blessed I am to have had her instill within me so many great qualities. I wish so many times that I could tell her yet again how much I love her...for the little details of life. For the meaningful details of it all. I will, though. I am assured of that and again--I'm thankful for that assurance!
Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine! Oh What A Foretaste of Glory Divine! Heir of Salvation, Purchase of God, Born of His Spirit and Washed in His Blood!
This is My story. This is my Song. Loving my Savior All the Day Long. This is my story. This is my Song. Loving my Savior All the Day Long!!!