I want to direct you all back to my previous babycrowd journal located here. When I was pregnant with Nora, I started writing in this online journal every day. I kept it until January of last year, updating about the kids, Daniel, myself and life in general. I made alot of great friends through this site and am so thankful it is still available for us to go back and see how my feelings and life has changed and grown! If you go to the bottom of the page, you can eventually scroll to the very beginning. Oh how I loved the thought of being a mother almost as much as I actually love being one!!!
Today, however, I feel on the verge of tears with every minute that passes. I had to take Braden to the dr. because he has a 103 degree fever. Nothing is wrong, thank goodness. It is viral and has to run it's course. Great. Nora climbed into bed with us at 2 am and woke up super early. She fell asleep in the van on the way home from the dr's office so now she wont nap. Any chance of me getting a break is gone. Heidi is psycho and I want to fling her across the room if she makes one more sudden movement or barks at another random flash of light. I am cramping, exhausted and frustrated. My husband decides he has nothing to converse about so I guess the choice to have a conversation is all up to him now. I love that. Good thing I have friends to talk to otherwise I'd feel so lonely on days like today.
That brings me to one more point. I look at this sick little boy of mine who is so beautiful and I long for him to grow up gentle, kind, caring, loving, passionate, and compassionate towards people. I have all of these high hopes and desires for the man I pray he'll become. But it's scary and frustrating when I look around at the men in my life. Godly, yes. Faithful, very. They were raised in good homes with good mothers who had the same desires for them. Yet, in many cases, these very same men have watched me (or someone else they deeply love) cry in front of them and they literally turn their backs and walk away as if they don't care on more than one occasion. That is not kind, caring, loving, gentle, or compassionate. That is just mean and in all honesty, disrespectful. It is hurtful beyond words. Yet they do it. And they don't care. Of course the women in their lives forgive them. Whether it be their wives, daughters, sisters, friends, etc. We are generally much more forgiving and understanding and compassionate in nature.
Oh how I plead the blood of Jesus over this son of mine. That he will become a man of far greater character than I could ever imagine. Thank you Jesus for forming him and perfecting him in your image and for your plan! I trust that you are molding him even now and I am thankful for the young man he will become. He is a wonderful, gentle, peaceful, loving boy. Please, Lord let that remain part of who He is for you in the future!