Friday, December 4, 2009

Weight Gain & Pregnancy.

Over the next nine months I am going to use this blog as a place that I will write about the things I am feeling and thinking--just like I always have. The only difference is that I'm pregnant and sometimes what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking do not correlate with one another. In the past when I have written things about how I'm feeling, some of you have emailed me with your concerns. Please know that although what I'm feeling may seem irrational, what I'm thinking usually is much more stable. I need to know that I can write out what I'm feeling without being emailed or having my mom called with your (loving) concerns. After all, I started this as a safe place where I can write about life's happenings in order to look back someday with great memories of this special season in our lives.

So with all of that being said:
The woman at the health department asked me the other day how I felt about weight gain during pregnancy. I quickly answered, "I love it!"
I lied.

You see, with the last two pregnancies, I did love it. I loved every morsel of chocolate that I ate and every 10 piece nugget meal that graced my lips. I giggled when I would gain 8 pounds in one month at each Dr's visit. I delivered each baby after gaining 55 pounds and by the time I had Braden, I had 70 to lose. It was alot, but I always said I would do it exactly the same if I had the chance.
I lied.

I'm not lying now.
I worked my butt off (quite literally) to get to a healthy and comfortable weight this year. I felt confident and my body felt strong. Since my leg injury I have struggled with the muscle in my legs losing it's shape but was still satisfied that I was keeping my weight right around 110 pounds. I am used to counting calories and know exactly what I can or cannot eat in a day in order to stay in the range that I feel is right for me.
And now all of that will change. I mean sure, I can still be conscience of what I'm eating but inevitably, no matter how many times I stand on the scale in the next nine months, the number is going to change. Alot. Alot in my mind. 5 pounds would be alot for me to wrap my head around, but the Dr. wants me to gain 35.

It's not that I don't think I can lose the weight. I'm not worried about it. I know I can. I love to exercise and it's part of my everyday now. It's not that I worry about being unattractive or feeling self-conscience. After all, I am pregnant. It's only normal and natural to gain weight. I want to gain weight and have a healthy pregnancy. But it doesn't mean that I have to like it.
It's hard and I can't lie and say it's not.

I hate feeling the back of my legs and knowing that they are already turning to mushy, stretchy skin. I hate the thought of new, deep stretch marks on my already loose tummy. It's frustrating. I hate the idea of my boobs growing and growing and growing, only to shrink away to nothing when this is all over again. In my mind, it's all very hard to wrap my feelings around. Of course I want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. Of course I will do everything I can to gain the weight I'm supposed to (and knowing me...more). I just cannot stand the thought of starting over with this body that is out of control.

And that is ultimately what it comes down to I suppose, but I didn't realize it until I just wrote the last sentence.
I remember feeling this way with the redheads as well.
Feeling overwhelmed by the lack of control in my own body when I was pregnant with both of them. It's something that is so very frustrating, yet exhilarating at the same time.
I just wish in the midst of it all, that my 5 foot 2 inch body wouldn't be allowed to exceed a certain hip width. It just isn't right.

Something else that is currently frustrating me is the fact that back is in so much pain. The Dr. explained that he believes I broke my tail bone at some point in my past. Because of this, when the tail bone healed it healed with a curve at the end. Sometimes when that happens you can develop arthritis in the tip of the bone and when you are pregnant and the blood vessels swell, it causes extreme lower back pain. I knew about my tail bone being bent from when I delivered Nora. That is why Braden was born 2 weeks early so that he didn't re-break my tailbone during delivery. The same will be done with this baby. The Dr. said that he has been in deliveries where he literally hears the mother's tailbone snap as the baby is being pushed out. Lovely, right?
So because of all my back pain it is hard to get anything done, let alone exercise. I mean, besides chasing and carrying 2 toddlers all day. ;)

Ultimately I know that what I'm feeling is somewhat normal especially because I feel entitled to the body I have because of how hard I worked to get it here. But I will look and feel this way again. After all, I am Ramee. I always accomplish what I set out to do and this is no exception. In the meantime, I'm going to keep eating my newest obsession which is sure to help pack on those 35 pounds in no time...


Tiffany said...

Oooh I love your honesty! I think it is very normal for you to think this way. When I just thought I might be pregnant, the FIRST thing I thought was "Oh no I didn't get a chance to lose the ten pounds that I wanted too!" And I felt guilty, but it is hard as a woman to completely give her body over to a child. Is it worth it? Oh YES. But it IS hard.
And my husband's sister has your same back issues, with her tailbone. She broke hers delivering her third and last child. She is in constant pain. I feel for you and will be praying.

(PS - We are the same height! NOT weight {bleck} lol)

brandy said...

I think every woman feels those things about her changing body! You are normal in feeling that. Ouch just to hear about your tailbone breaking sounds very painful. I will be praying that the Lord would heal you completely! Ouch.. labor/delivery is painful enough.. not to mention that. Ouch.. ! I will definetly be praying!

Jackelyn said...

Everything that you just wrote about would be the EXACT same feelings I would have if I were to get pregnant again.
I feel like I've worked so hard to just start over again. Dont get me wrong, being pregnant is a blessing! It's great! But it's been such a struggle since I had Benjamin and now that I'm FINALLY down to my pre-pregnancy weight that I was before Noah, I just would have a hard time gaining al of that back..
So I just wanted to say, I feel for ya lady..
Congratulations again! <3