Monday, January 25, 2010

My challenging boy.

I know I have written very openly in the past about Braden and his 'high needs' personality. This weekend, I had a complete breakdown.
After an exhausting day of meeting this little boy's demands, being touched by him, bossed by him, holding him, and just constantly hearing his voice--I reached in the oven to pull out cupcakes and burnt my finger.
And then I fell out on the kitchen floor in an up roaring sob.
I know it's hard for you to believe, but this little boy sucks the life out of me. His demands are more needy than anything I have ever experienced in my entire life. He drains me of all my energy. So much so that I have very little left over for his sister and almost none left over for his father. It is exhausting and overwhelming.
I said things while in my full blown fit that no mom would think to say. That no mom should have to feel. However, mother's who did not experience 8 months of colic followed by the intensity that this child brings would never understand. They wouldn't understand the guilt I feel as a mother for feeling anxious when I hear his feet hit the floor first thing in the morning. They wouldn't understand the frustration I feel when I cannot meet his demands right away and he goes into a full blown crying rage. They wouldn't understand the kind of pain it brings me knowing that I am overwhelmed at the thought of doing this with him day after day. And I'm sure, by looking at him, you don't understand either.
But, I have to be honest about it. Because I'm living it. He is challenging and difficult and exhausting. But--he is not bad. After all, he was born this way. He came out and began life this way. Every trait that he has right now is the same as the first night I held him in the hospital...(when he nursed for 6 hours straight and was still not satisfied.) So...he is not bad.
He just is who he is.
And I have to learn to mother him the way he is. And pray over him for who he is.
Because in all of the frustration, and the trials--this boy brings me so much joy and laughter. He is so beautiful and his giggle could make my world stop. The amount of love I feel for him is indescribable. It is a much more challenging task to mother this boy than it is Nora. But I am grateful that I have the opportunity. He is healthy, smart, and growing. I am blessed!
But I am tired. And I am frustrated. This time in my life (and his) will surely pass. I do believe that he will always be more needy of me than Nora is. I understand that he will probably always demand more of my time, more of my attention and more of my energy.
Most days, I have accepted that and am ok with it. I have learned to embrace it.
But then there are days when it is all too much. When all I want is for him to just be still. Just be quiet. Just be.
But, Braden doesn't know how to do those things. He only knows how to be constantly moving, constantly making noise, constantly fussing, constantly bossing, constantly crying.
Maybe it is more of a boy thing. Or maybe just my boy's thing.

Either way, my point in this post was to show off how gorgeous he is and to be honest about the difficulties I face with him--so that if you are a mother who is too afraid to voice your feelings because of the guilt it brings, you can be liberated of that fear.
I feel those things, but for a fleeting time. Because my love for him is so great, so deep, so intense that it trumps any of those negative feelings that sneak in for a moment. And I pick myself up off the kitchen floor, and I move on to the next task...
...and you can do the same! In fact, I know you will.
So after writing my post yesterday about the pukage that was happening in our home, Braden went on to poop like 6 more times. Nora peed her pants twice (all the way down her legs and dripping on the floor causing it to leave a trail of pee through the house as she walked to find me...). The dog threw up one more time and all the while, Daniel was out cutting wood.
It was not a pretty day. But, such is my life.
And no matter how hard it felt in the moment, I adore it. Every bit of it.
Thanks for your prayers. Everyone seems to be feeling well today!!!
14 week belly picture coming on Wednesday and possibly revealing the gender of our new babe on Thursday! Exciting week in our world!:)


Sarah said...

wow! you are such a strong person and mother. thanks for being so open and honest! xoxo

Tiffany said...

Oh, Hon. Praying for you. Momma said there'd be days like this. Not everyday is glorious, but everyday He is glorified. Boys are so different, aren't they? Maybe it is just that each child is so different. Thinking of you.
And I cannot wait to see the baby bump. Can you really find out the sex already?? Boy??? {grin}