"How much is enough, Lord?"
I struggle sometimes with inadequacy. I struggle to find the balance between all of the things in my life. For instance, how much time is a sufficient amount of time to spend with God everyday? With my friends? With my siblings, parents, children...husband? No matter how much time I spend with them, I always feel as if it's never enough. I sit in the quiet of the bathtub and feel guilty for time not spend with the Lord. I lay in bed and toss around in my mind time that I should have spent snuggling with children rather than busying myself with other things.
In my mind, I justify that those things need to get done too, and yet all I feel at the end of the day is that it wasn't as important and that my time with the people I love was not enough.
I wonder if I will ever find the perfect amount of myself to give? Will I ever feel like what I give is enough...?
This weekend was a busy one! I had two baby showers on Saturday. My friend Bethany is having a baby boy in 5 weeks. She looks great and it was a wonderful shower! She was so blessed!!!
Then I had Ashley's shower. Ashley and I have been best friends since Jr. High. She was a year younger than me but we bonded immediately over our family situations. At the time, Ashley's brother Shawn was in high school and was struggling with drugs and alcohol. At the same time, my family was dealing with issues surrounding my Uncle Bo concerning his alcoholism. Looking back, I now see how God weaved our lives together from that moment forward. Both Shawn and Uncle Bo are in Heaven today. Because of the friendship shared over a tragic bond, Ashley and I were able to sustain one another through terrible circumstances. She is so dear to my heart and I cannot wait to meet baby Shawn, who I believe will be making his appearance very very soon!
Saturday night we had a young adults get-together. It was so much fun to spend time with other Christian adults. We played games, ate good food and just had awesome fellowship. The kids went with us and played hard! They were worn out! Yesterday was also a busy day of church, worship practice and then back to church! We all found time to catch about a half hour nap in between activities. It was glorious! I cherish Sunday nap time.
In the midst of all of our comings and goings, I feel the Lord's hand upon us. I know that as long as I am focused on Him, He is blessing my family. I want to feel fulfilled in my relationship with Him and although I know it is a good thing to yearn for more of Him--more time, more quiet, more passion...I also want to feel a peace. I am overwhelmed by the struggle of feeling like it's never enough.
I know that if I continue to feel this way about time with my children, the enemy will just cause me to feel like it will never be good enough and that I will never succeed at what I'm trying to do with them. And that is just not true. They are precious to me, just like I am to God and the time I spend with them is so special, no matter how long it may be. I'm sure the Lord feels the same about me and our time spent together.
Do you ever feel this way?
What are your struggles when it comes to spending time with God and are you burdened by it?