Saturday, July 10, 2010

Marriage Check-Up

Daniel and I went out for a date last night. It was the first time in a couple of months that we have been out alone. It was such a good time. We talked about the Marine Corps, our future as a family of 5 and although he probably doesn't realize it, he was the first (and only) one who brought up the kids. I enjoyed myself and the time alone with him!
I'm having a hard time feeling attractive at all at this point...but there are moments when he looks at me and I know he adores me for what I'm doing.
He isn't always attentive. He isn't always nurturing or even mindful. But he is here and he does do the best he can.
I am carrying another one of his children and I know he is thankful.

As women, I believe there is always a longing for something deeper from our spouse or partner that they just aren't wired to understand. I don't know about you, but often times I feel lonely and frustrated. My feelings get hurt and I have an emotional breakdown over the lack of attention that I may be receiving from my husband. It is not as if I'm a newlywed or even an emotionally needy woman. But I do love him and expect to have a partner in this marriage. Most of the time when I speak to Daniel about how I'm feeling, he has no idea how he has affected me by his lack of knowing or understanding. He isn't playing dumb, he simply can't comprehend everything that I am designed to need. I know this is true because I see these emotional differences between male & female even in our small children.

The Lord is faithful in my marriage & He can be faithful in yours as well!
It doesn't matter what has happened the night before, or what things have been said-I wake up with a renewed love for my husband every day. I respect him in a deep kind of way and it truly wouldn't matter the kind of hurt that he caused me; I love him. I would find a way to get past it and love him still. No matter what. I believe when we have that mind set-- the kind that understands that there is no other option but embracing this marriage, working at it and learning to love no matter what-- we have found a deep freedom.

He is always going to do things that hurt my feelings. Some of them may be intentional, and some of them may not. Either way, it is a choice on my part to sit in it or forgive and move past it.

Daniel & I have a great marriage. We have been together almost 10 years and have literally grown up together. We spoke last night of times when we lived thousands of miles from home, had no money and yet we were still thrilled to wake up together each day. We made it work because we were committed and because we loved one another. And nothing much has changed. Life has evolved, of course. He has a better job and God has blessed our finances but we also have a mortgage, children and stresses of many other types that creep into our life. We are still committed to loving one another despite the difficult days that we may encounter along the way.

God is working something out in me as a wife over the last couple of days. I realized not long ago that I am in need of an emotional mate, but not one that is physically present. If my own husband cannot understand some of my confusing, womanly needs--no man ever would. He is very aware of me and in tune with the things that I typically need and yet he sometimes can't get it right.
So I need a Savior.
Just like in so many areas of my life, I am going to learn to cling to Jesus for the things that I feel depleted from here on this earth.

Women have emotional affairs with other men due to the lack of communication in their marriage. I want an emotional affair with the King of Kings. I want him to embrace me at my very worst and fill me up with something that I can never receive from any man--even my own wonderful husband.

I know my marriage is about to be enhanced because of my deeper need for God. Before anything else in the world, we long to put Him first in our marriage, but for the first time (maybe ever) I'm actually going to learn to do this in every aspect.

What does this mean?
--I will turn to God. First.
--I will search His word and ask for grace.
--I will quickly forgive, instead of harboring hurt or resentment.
--I will continue to hold my husband at a high standard, but I will try to embrace the fact that he does not think like me, and I will never think like him...
and try to accept that it's ok.
--I will try not to hold him at a standard that is unattainable.
--I will pray over him ferociously and build him up daily.
--I will compliment his character, morals and integrity.
--I will not only compliment them, but learn to be more grateful of them and the man it makes him.
--I will not change who I am, but I will try hard to seek God's word for who I should be in this marriage. I will do this every day.
--I will be learn to fight fair.
--I will try to make alone time for God AND my husband every day.
--I will love unconditionally, even more so than I do now.

The Bible is clear about marriage. It is our tool to making it as great as it can possibly be! The Word says that husbands are to love their wives (as their own bodies, in fact!) But it also says that wives are to respect our husbands. Notice we are given different commands.
Daniel is to love me. Nurture, take care of, treat gently, cherish.
I am to respect Daniel. Build up, esteem, honor.
These are things that we will always be working on in our marriage, our home and our life. They are challenging for both of us and I am sure we are not alone. Although it is the command of the Lord to treat each other in these ways, it feels as if we are not wired to do them easily. And maybe it comes more natural for some people. But for us, it is something we will have to daily try to accomplish and preserve. And we will. Because we are in this marriage with one another for this life. We are one.
And above all of that, God gave us this rich amount of love for each other. It is always worth working at when you love someone as much as we do.

I wholeheartedly believe that you should have regular Dr. check ups even when you are feeling well. In our marriage, we are simply going to the big physician to maintain our marital health.

What are you doing to preserve your marriage (or relationship) day to day?

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

Amen. Beautiful. Love your thoughts.