beautiful nan.

My Nanny was beautiful.

Young and old there was always a grace about her. She carried herself with strength and ease. I remember more vivid things about Nanny than anyone ever before.

I remember her laugh and the way her neck rolled when she was nervous.

But even if she was anxious or upset, she didn't make a fuss about it. She loved us unconditionally and greatly. She was gentle and funny.

I look so much like my Nanny.

My life right now is so similar to the life she had with young children. Nanny had Aunt Suni and Uncle Bo one year apart to the day. Then my mom came along 5 years later.

It's almost identical to the ages of my own children. And yet it wasn't planned that way it all. It brings me so much comfort on the hard days knowing that she got through it. She raised her children; even though it was difficult when they were young [and grown--but that's besides the point.]

What I long for most of all is to talk with her about it. I feel like she is the only person who would truly get what I'm saying on the hardest, most exhausting days. I feel like she would have stories of her own that would bring me comfort and laughter. She would adore these kids, I just know.

I miss her.

I miss her so deeply.

I miss her hands and her voice. Sometimes I feel like I could pick up the phone and call her number and she would answer. And then my brain reboots and I snap back into the reality that she won't answer-not ever again. And it's so incredibly painful and sad.

Often times as I sit in the bathtub, quiet and alone, I let myself go to a place where she is. I think about her, I try to remember her voice and her actions. I try to remember the things that she said to me and the way she ate. I allow myself to go to a place where I can remember and dwell.

I cry over how vivid it all is. How much I long for her.

I cry for her often.

I hate that she is not here with my family. I hate that she doesn't get to see the life that Daniel & I have made and the children that are growing. I almost don't want anyone else to enjoy it all if she can't. But I know that's selfish.

So selfish.

I still feel shocked in a way. I can't believe it that she isn't here with us.

I do take comfort in the photos of her as a young woman. I can so relate to her. To that girl with young children and a husband.

I loved her so much.

She was a great Nanny and a great friend.

And she was beautiful...