pondering.

"...But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart..."

Luke 2:19

I am not sure why the Lord keeps drawing me back to this verse this week. The only thing I know for sure is that I am attracted to it. Led to it many times a day in my thinking and in reading. This simple verse is extracted straight from Luke's account of the Christmas story; our King's birth. Simply stated, everyone around Mary and Joseph were talking.

There was noise about this boy.

There was good news, and gifts and wonderful things to be said about Jesus.

...and in the midst...

Mary was quiet. Still.

And she treasured up these things about her son and tucked them in her heart.

I love this for so many reasons.

First of all because I feel like I am learning to do this so much more than ever. Mabel has made me a new kind of mother. I began mothering different even in my pregnancy with her. The fear that I was feeling in those first months I did not speak about like I normally would have. Instead I tucked it away. I pondered it within my own heart and shared it only with my Lord, and occasionally my husband.

I suppose Mary did the same if she had fear [which I'm sure she did.]

Can you imagine?

The things that I feel about Mabel are so deep within me. The fear that overtook me in my pregnancy has dissipated. It no longer thrives inside of me because she is here. She is healthy. She is beautiful.

But sometimes looking at Mabel, I wonder other things. Things that I really can't even pinpoint because they are so intimate that I don't think my mind even has the key to unlock their truths. Only my spirit and my heart connect to help me feel a portion of what I long to feel when I see this child.

I suppose that is how Mary must have felt--only immensely more.

That overwhelms me to my core because it rums deep here...

My heart beats for this baby.

Truly. Madly.

The kids all do something inside of me that is unique and individualized--but this baby..

This Mabel girl...

she has expanded me.

I literally look at her and ponder things inside of myself that I do not share with others. I treasure up my thoughts about her as though I'm wrapping the most delicate gift that can never be opened.

And I enjoy it. I am feeling an attachment and bond with her that is new once again. Just like before, each time I brought a new child into the world and the Lord allowed me to connect with them.

I'm sure Mary must have felt those same things.

All the hype about Jesus must have made his mother feel so blessed and loved. I'm sure it was overwhelming. I might even think that she questioned herself and her ability to mother this boy. He was the Savior, after all.

What I find comforting about Mary is her ability to get past all of those internal dealings in order to carry on with her new job as Jesus' mom. What I also love is that she was not a weak, scared woman. But when it came to her child, the Savior, she went inside of herself and treasured up thoughts that only she would have.

She earned that...

Private thinking.

Intimate moments.

Passionate bond.

I have understood it all before; in different ways.

But this year--right now--God is showing me new things about myself.

I look at Mabel and I feel free.

I feel delicate happiness that overflows like a river.

I am learning to capture those things, embrace them and treasure them.

Quietly.

Within me.

For me alone.

I'm sure Mary did that too and I do not doubt that she was thankful she did...

So happy to be pondering thoughts of our Lord this Christmas.

What an awesome gift we have been given!

What an awesome gift indeed.