Wednesday, January 26, 2011

only One.

The Lord is doing such a work in me. It's a time in my life like I have never experienced before. A time when I have to allow the doors of my heart to be opened and receive the sweeping in of the Holy Spirit's breeze.
It's a whirling wind.
A rushing wave of emotions and strength.

I am a self sustaining woman.
I was a self sustaining child.
Others in my life have often said that it makes them feel as if they hold no value to me. Like if they were to suddenly not be in my life that I could carry on and be fine.
And truth be told--I would.
They hold much value to me. More than I can even explain. I need them desperately.
But I do things well because I find worth and value by what I do.
And how well I do them.
Other 'reds' understand this.

I'm telling you this because the Lord is molding me and using me for a different purpose as of late. He is teaching me hard lessons that are very internal. I feel present inside of myself and a disconnect from those around me. I am learning how to navigate a ship that has always been tightly anchored inside of me. Only now, it has been set sail and I have to quickly depend on Jesus, rather than myself, to steer.

When Mabel was born, quietly with little noise, I felt an ease about her. I felt a presence about her that has calmed the woman inside of me. I can hold this baby in the midst of screaming chaos and feel total peace. It is serene, precious and oh so needed. I can look at her and feel the stillness of a God who is greater.
Than me.

I have never had a problem acknowledging that He is, but now I see that I am a "doer." I set a plan in my mind and I go to action. But in this time, right now...
these days,
this season,
this moment...
I cannot "do" that which I don't understand.
I have to depend on the only One.
Who does.

He is teaching me and I am still. Listening. Quiet.
And whatever comes from this season of trial will be wonderful because the King will receive glory. And He deserves even more than that...

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