days like today.

Mabel's currently in the swing. She's been crying for most of the afternoon and evening. She usually has one hour at night (around 5:30) where she cries and cannot be consoled.

Reminds me of a little boy I once knew...

Today has been a pretty good day for me. We had therapy and Mabel did so well!

Today she kept her hands opened almost the entire time, which was about a half hour. She sat up strong and straight and tracked toys very well with her big ol eyes! It was much more encouraging than it has been in sessions past. I can see progress and that excites me.

We're heading to another specialist tomorrow to re-check her eyes and then we'll have a break from Dr's for a couple of weeks (at least as far as Mabel goes.)

My valentine and I had a great day yesterday. He is unbelievably loving and sweet.

Orneriness aside, he is so intentional with what he says and how he loves. He is very kind and I'm so proud of that. He sits beside me right now with a pink binkie and his blue blankie.

I just can't believe how fast he's growing.

Here he is dressed in his sister's clothes...

My first love.

Oh this sweet girl; how she is testing me.

Although she is lovely as well, she is having a hard time being obedient. I know that she is little and I find that most mom's of 3-5 year old's are struggling most in this area, but some days it leaves me feeling so defeated and out of control. I'm supposed to be the parent, yet I feel like I have no grasp on what is happening around here.

Chaos, chaos, chaos.

Back talking, hitting, fit-throwing, name-calling.

It all makes for really long days.

But I should say that tonight as I swayed back and forth in our living room, rocking my sweet baby and listening to worship music, I was brought to tears once again at the days that are passing with my little ones. These are times that I can never get back.

They are swift like a vapor that surely vanishes.

And in that I find deep sorrow and frustration because I have never wanted to 'just get through' the days with these children.

I want to live purposefully with them and I feel like I fail.

everyday.

But I pray that they know my heart and how dear they are to me. There is nothing that I could have ever wanted more than to just be their mom. I hope that they can feel the intent behind my mothering and that they will appreciate it someday.

I don't want to wake up and feel like it was all scattered and wasted.

I want it to be delightful and fresh in their minds...

the nights of dancing in the kitchen...

toes painted in the bedroom...

brownies eaten for a late night snack...

I want these memories to be lasting and these days to go on forever.

But they will not and that is heartbreaking.

I'm trying to enjoy their scents, their expressions, their common language.

And not only enjoy it but etch it deep into my memory; the place that is safe.

There I will find a time in my life that is irreplaceable.

precious.

chaotic.

joyful.

Days like today.