control

wrote this on friday. published it today. such is my life lately.

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I got alone today in the car.

Listened to music.

And cried.

Being sick is so physically overtaking. I am fooled most days into believing I am physically strong but the true test is when your body is attacked from the unknown.

And then I realize that even the strongest human has such little control.

And when I thought about that as I was driving, I realized that I that is what is so upsetting with our situation with Mabel.

For me, especially.

Because I really do like control.

And we have so little.

What I have always loved about the human form is how we can train our bodies. Daniel and I challenge ourselves and one another when it comes to fitness because we like to train.

We like to set goals and reach them.

This is what we do not only in our bodies, but in our life.

I have spoke about it often here; my desire to be strong and fit.

And it amazes me how if you literally spend the time training a specific muscle or region on your body, it will eventually tame to what you are teaching. It gets used to the motion, gains strength from repetition and does it's job beautifully.

As I watch Mabel go through therapy week after week, I see her little body being trained to do specific things. What is so encouraging to me is that, even if I don't see her mentally making the equation between what she is doing or not doing, her body is taking note.

And her body is gaining strength and repetition.

And because of that ability, she will get stronger and do great things.

Her physical body is an amazing structure that is capable of carrying her and she is learning.

I have said many times before that in the chaos of my life the one thing that I can control is my body. How much I eat, if I exercise, what it looks like.

It's mine and I have control over it's function.

And the same goes with Mabel.

I have no control spiritually.
I have no control emotionally.

I have no control mentally over this little girl.

But physically, we are capable of helping her learn so many great things.

We can give her tools that will help her progress and it's incredible.

I don't want control.

I desire for the Lord to reign in our home and life; in the deep places and the crevices of my heart. I want Him to rule and control each and everything about this family, especially our children. But as I was crying and speaking to God today, I realize that I am still struggling with acceptance of whatever is happening with Mabel.

I want to accept it. But it feels so against every part of who I am.

I believe in a God who heals and is all powerful.

I have never put Him in a box with what I believe He can and will accomplish.

But I also believe in a God who is all knowing and who has control.

And therefore I know that if God so chooses to step in and change all of this for Mabel in the most miraculous of ways, He will do it.

And if He chooses not to, I will walk it still; loving and trusting Him.

It's just a battle for me.

The control and lack of.

And I suppose what is harder is the mirror that is reflecting me during this time of my life. Because I never realized that I struggled with control until lately. It seems, however, that I have told God "I'll handle it," much more than I ever knew.

And now He's telling me...

"No, I will handle it. And it's going to be ok."

And I know it will.

Because all of who I am trusts all of who He is.

And we're going to be ok.