normal.

In the midst of the oh so 'not' normal, I'm trying desperately to bring about a sense of normalcy to our days.

It's a fine line, this dance of old and new. The old involves the redheads and I going about our days with structure, discipline, routine and laughter. It involves one on one time, walks just the three of us and dancing psychotically in the kitchen.
The new involves two babies and less attention for the bigger kids.
One- a healthy, busy, feisty 11 month old who is crawling everywhere and into everything. The other- a needing to be held most of the day 8 month old.
The new involves this mommy's breaking heart as I find the balance between a life that I thought I was going to have and a plan that was worked out in mind and the life that is now ours that looks nothing like that plan looked in my head.
In every new way our lives have been enriched! Harper has blessed our lives since the second she got here and I cry just typing this because I can't believe how lucky we've been to share in these months with her. She brings joy to my sadness and quickens my heart with hope. She is everything I have needed in this time of uncertainty. I love her with such deep conviction and know that here, she is ours as much as the others. There is a safety when I look at this little girl and I pray that both her and her mommy know that.

In all the new ways, my heart is also beating differently. The rhythm by which it now pleads is with great desperation. Some days I'm desperate to just feel the normal of the days in our past. Some days I'm desperate for hope of a future that is certain, secure and safe.

I don't have either of those things. I can't go back and truly cannot move forward, only one day at a time. I am learning to do this more with each moment that passes. Most days I look at Mabel and realize that if only for today, I have loved her greater than I ever knew I could. If tomorrow never comes with my children I always want to know that I have done just that.

And the Lord is showing me how to truly do that.

So I'm thankful.

The normal seems so distant. It seems so foreign now. Because our new normal is so changed; so different. In all the greatest ways I am beyond thankful and humble to have this life exactly the way it is in this moment. In all the heaviest ways, I am wishing that mommy's all over the world never had to experience sadness and pain of any sort. I am wishing that our hearts could simply feel the joy of raising healthy, thriving children without the quiver of not knowing what tomorrow holds. The uncertainty of wonder. I wish with my entire being that 'normal' felt normal once again.

But in the meantime, I am desperate to make it feel that way, if not for myself then for everyone else. The redheads deserve this mommy at her greatest. I want to be that for them. And Mabel deserves me to give her the best care and love that I can in each moment that I am able. These children truly are a gift from the Lord that I can never replace. I am daily in awe of the chaos, but most importantly the deepest love that I could ever imagine.

Mothering changed me each time I gave birth.

Nora made me a mother.

Braden made me a better, more patient mother.

And Mabel--Mabel is shaping me into a person I have needed to be but didn't quite know how to become. She is making me a mother who truly trusts in the Lord and leans not on my own understanding.

These children shape me daily. Some days I fall short. Some days I rise up.

Either way, we are here and our normal is new.

But I'm doing my best and I know we'll make it through.