Tuesday, March 15, 2011

this boy.

These walls are closing in on me. The house feels deep, stuffy, and closed. I cannot wait to open the windows and let the fresh blow through. If I close my eyes, I can almost smell the air and imagine how things are in spring.
Lighter. Happier.
Right now, however, things are not.

This boy especially has me fighting at the bit for something different.
When I wake up...he is there.
When I eat...he is there.
When I sleep...he is there.
First up, last down.
Voice in between.

I long for the days when I felt joy in seeing him. There are fleeting moments now but for the most part, it is difficult. I feel so guilty even writing it; even thinking it.
I love him to the core of who I am but he is exhausting me.

What I long for is normal once again.
I feel life changes all around me and I can't help but grieve those moments when I felt so happy, so content, so much joy in this home and family. Most of those memories include capris, a tank top and sunshine.
The planting of flowers, sprinklers, popsicles and daddy in the mail truck.

All of that has changed. Our life has become new again.
New job, new hours, new baby.
New members in our home.
It's all new. And somehow I long for days of old....

Cookouts with friends whose lives weren't torn apart.
Moments with my husband in the evening.
Homeschooling in the afternoon by the window.
Naps in fall.

It's all different. All new.
Except this boy.
This one steady who never changes.
Full of energy, ornery and mouthy.
Full of everything that is normal and the same.
And that makes me so thankful for him.
Because I'm yearning....
...for the normal.


Tiffany said...

Me too, Ramee. Praying for you daily.

Ashleigh said...

Don't feel guilty Ramee. We have all been there with our kids. I hope that spring shows up there very soon! I'm jealous that tornado season is right around the corner for you guys. I miss storms!