Friday, April 15, 2011

I visited myself today.

I felt like myself today. I cleaned and went about my business as usual. Maybe it was busy-ness rather than business but whatever keeps my mind steady I suppose.

The house is quiet now. All the babes are asleep and the rain is pounding against the house outside. It's the quiet that gets me. Sitting next to my lovely girl on the couch as she rests, I hold my breath watching hers. I wonder if I'll ever get a good, full night's sleep again. Even when I'm sleeping I am not. Not really. I am dreaming about thoughts that are looming and questions unanswered. I am worrying whether she will wake up in the morning or if she will have 'the big seizure.' In my mind, there is a 'big seizure' that haunts me. It hasn't happened yet but I feel like I'm always fearing it. A moment that could change everything.

I hate how this has changed me and I love how it is changing me. Wherever I go, something triggers the thoughts and they are racing. I can't read about endorphins or hormones without wondering if hers are normal. I can't watch an expecting mom walk across the room, holding her tummy without silently praying that she doesn't have to endure this. I whisper in my own mind thoughts that I would have never experienced; except now they are common. Memories trigger questions and guilt. I feel responsible. I know it's irrational. I log into my email and the 'development: week by week' makes me want to vomit as I'm reminded what she isn't doing.

Will she ever?

I feel sad at times I least expect to feel sad. I feel vulnerable and shredded from within. I want to make jokes and shake my head but as I do a little bit of me cringes at the thoughts that are very real hiding under the sarcasm. Thoughts that no mom should have to think. I hate that I do.

We saw a 2 month old at a sale and I was amazed at the resemblance in her and Mabel's behavior and physical strength. I'll never forget that baby or that moment because it was then that everything fell into place for me--truly. My perspective deepened and my heart ached.

This is really happening.

The Lord has plans to prosper Mabel. Plans for Good and not for Harm.

...and I can say that all day long and I believe it with everything inside of me, but it's hard to feel it some days...

I'm scattered tonight and I know it. I am tired. Adrenaline kicks in and I ski through another day. So much encouragement and so many reminders. This is not going away. None of it is going away. And it's so hard. and so painful. And so real.

Lives are going on all around me and the madness in my spirit quickens. It's hard not to feel angry for my child. It's hard to feel angry in general.

But I choose joy.

Because joy wins. Peace wins. Love wins.

The Lord conquered the grave for those things...

I felt like myself today. It was for a brief time when I found comfort in sweeping the floors, cleaning of toilets, and laughter of redheads. I embraced the mundane and familiar of today. I would give anything for that 'normal' to surround me once again. But it doesn't. It is but an instant in my new reality but I let it flood me for that moment. I breathed it in. I enjoyed it.

I'll visit 'myself' again soon. But for tonight, I have to try to rest with this new me. This new mom. This new friend. This new wife...and figure out how she fits into all of this.

...Thankfully our God is steady and He never changes. My circumstances may. My life might. But He remains the same. And so whether it be old Ramee, or new God knows me and loves me. And He is here.

I'm so thankful.