never enough hope.

We had a great weekend. We celebrated Harper's first birthday with a candy themed party and it turned out amazing. As we were preparing for the party, I wondered how I would feel; anticipating sadness or a sense of grief knowing that Mabel's first birthday is quickly approaching and will be far different than this day. But I didn't feel that way.

I am learning why God made me such a 'doer.' I kept busy and found that I was focused on the task at hand. It eliminated extra time to sit and think or sulk.

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I started reading Jenny McCarthy's new book, "Mother Warriors." I'm enjoying it so much. Although Mabel doesn't have autism, the experiences that she writes about ring so true to my heart. For instance, I cried reading about how this mom sobbed in her boyfriend's kitchen over feeling guilty for her son's autism. I have prayed that God would help me to not feel guilt along with so many other emotions in this process but it is inevitable that I do feel it. I mean think about it--Mabel was tucked safely inside of me. And then I gave birth to her and somewhere in between something went wrong. Or at least that is how it feels some days. I know it's not necessarily true, but it's a hard thing to battle in my mind.

And then the book talks about how autistic mothers have 'lost' their children. They are present one day and not the next. A switch flips and often the devastation is so severe that it feels irreversible and hopeless.

Do you know how many days I look at my girl and say "where are you Mabes?"
It feels as if there is a lost lady deep down in Mabel and although I have never seen her in the way that autistic mother's see their children, I can relate now. I can feel the pain. I can feel the helplessness. I can feel the desperation.

But I can also feel the hope. The plea. The drive. I can feel the love, support and kindness of those around me. I can feel the warrior inside of me rising up and beckoning the weak, scared, sad mother to rise up beside her.

Fight mommy fight.
Breathe. Stand. Fight.

And I will. Everyday I will fight for answers. I will fight for healing. I will fight for the hope that Mabel will emerge from wherever she is; no matter how deep, far or wide she has to travel to meet me here. She will.

Someday she will.

And when that day comes; when I can see her and she can see me--truly SEE one another--

that will be a first birthday I will never want to forget. A 'birth' day from within.

Our special girl will have a truly special July 16 this year but I know that hope is coming. I know it's coming soon...

Until then, I will embrace my scarecrow armed girl, my tonguey girl, my flapping hand girl, my giggle at nothing girl, my never cry, sleep through the night, newborn 10 month old girl.

I will love her and fight for her every day until I know I've done enough.

And something tells me that it never will be....

Not ever.