{fly}

This is a picture of our strong girl wearing her TheraTog vest during therapy. She looks so big and strong here, doesn't she?

Daniel and I had a great talk last night. We feel so humbled and honored that God is allowing us to walk this path with Mabel. I feel like the Lord trusts us with this precious, delicate gift and to think that He is going to use us for the Kingdom through Mabel is overwhelming. What is also overwhelming is how hard the enemy is trying to fight us and make us see it all in a different way. A way that will steal our family, kill our spirits and destroy our marriage. I am thankful to have a husband who recognizes the work of satan in the same way that I understand it. It's sneaky and deceitful and cowardly. But it can be very powerful if our eyes are not open to his work and the battle going on around us. Thankfully, even in this time of confusion, anger, sadness and wonder--we are not confused. We are strong and focused. We are dedicated to the work of the Lord...

...and I think God knows we are.

Nora and Braden are doing great! They are entertaining one another and just about anyone who is around them. Nora is learning how to ride a bike with no training wheels and Braden had to get a tetanus shot because he stepped on a rusty fish hook and nail-both within 2 days. They are keeping my busy life even more busy and I am thankful for that as well. There are definitely days when I don't feel as present as I want to be for them. I feel like I am just skimming by, meeting their needs and not really being in the moment with them. I never wanted it to be that way. I wanted to be engaged and enjoying every second with them. And I do enjoy them but it is taking alot of grace and prayer to get past the guilt of not focusing as much on them as I once did.

Rache reminded me, in her gentle and loving way, that I was a great mom to Nora when she was only a baby and Daniel deployed. I focused on her and enjoyed her and took good care of her during a hard time. I took care of Braden and met his needs when he cried for 8 months straight and I could barely make it another day. I was a good mom for him during that time. And now, during a time when Mabel needs me the most, I am focusing on her, advocating for her and making the right decisions for her. I'm being a good mom for this time. That was so helpful to hear. It makes me feel like I really am making it and it's all going to be ok.

Maybe this is how working moms feel--constantly torn between work, kids, marriage, and home. Like there is never enough time to get it all done or to devote to each person or thing. I understand that now. Mabel requires alot of focus. In our house from day to day, she requires very little care but in the big scheme of things...between phone calls, appointments, bills, therapy, medicine and all of the other details...there isn't a lot of time left over for everyone else. My emotional self has been gobbled up by the tasks of the day and I'm spent.

Photography and the studio has helped so much during the past few months. I have so enjoyed seeing the children that come in and out and their parents who have refreshed me. I am enjoying the fact that I can take a walk everyday now that the weather is nice. I am enjoying interacting with a new set of friends who understand what I'm going through at this point. I am enjoying so much about this time and I try to remember that each day.

As time gets closer to Mabel's first birthday I am realizing that there is so much to celebrate about this year. Yes it has been hard and taxing. Yes alot has gone on and I have felt more overwhelmed than calm. But in the giant scope of my life, it has been amazing--and I am grateful. So after alot of thought, I believe I will throw a birthday party for Mabel. She may not understand whats going on. She may not be able to eat cake. But I gave birth to her one year ago and that is something to be thankful for and celebrate with the people who love us and support us.

Today I feel calm and at peace. Mabel has a therapy evaluation today, another tomorrow and a session on Thursday. I love her therapists and am thankful for the kindness and support they bring into our home each week. At first, the idea of having to sacrifice that time each week seemed overwhelming and like a lot to take on. Now, I have settled into the routine and am actually really thankful for that time. And this week I hope that I feel reflect on how far we have come in the last 6 months. There may not be a whole lot of physical changes [certainly some!] but emotionally, and spiritually, I am like a new creature.

 

And even if it's not who I once was, I have left my narrow cocoon and have accepted {even embraced} my new wings.

Soon, I will be ready to fly-for sure.