Saturday, July 9, 2011


When I was Nora's age, Suzy was like my big sister.  We were together all the time, I'm told.  I loved her then and even as we've grown we have always maintained a close bond.  We live far from one another but connect immediately when we are together.  We share the same blood, after all.

She is loud like Nanny and she is beautiful.  Her and I share the same kind of love for people: vivacious and passionate.  She loves entirely and wholly.  She has the greatest heart.
I cried when I found out she was going to have a new baby and cried again when I found out that baby would be a girl. 

After having Mabel and starting this journey of uncertainty with her I had such a hard time looking at other expecting moms.  I worried for them.  I felt afraid that what I was going through they may also experience and I couldn't bare the thought.  No one should have to feel what I have felt during the last couple of months.  Not long into the process, somewhere along the line, I stopped thinking that way when I saw a growing belly.  I came to the peace and realization that Mabel was given to me for a specific purpose and that allowed me to not worry about other babies who were thriving healthily in their mother's womb.  I was finally free of feeling such strong emotions when I saw the hope of new life--and it was just in time because the sweetest gift was emerging from her mommy very soon...
 When I had Mabel, alot of my friends had babies around the same time.  They all passed her up in their milestones and began to gain weight and thrive unlike Mabel.  But since having her, I have not experienced a brand new baby being born who was close to my family.  I prayed over Suzy's baby, pleading with God to make her healthy and vibrant.  I prayed against faulty genes because I just knew that if Mabel had a defect, so could any baby in our gene pool.  That's how I was feeling at least.  It was just fear and fear is born of Satan.  I stood against him in prayer for this baby many times.

I haven't had to hold a new baby since having Mabel and honestly, a couple of months ago I don't know how I would have felt, but on July 4th Colbie Nicole was born and the second I knew that she was here, I knew I would be ok.  I knew I had to see her, smell her and hold her.  Immediately I felt a peace and knew that Colbie was perfect.
And perfect may not actually fully describe this girl.  I walked into the room with Mabel in tow and felt a connection to myself that was intense.  I felt good, strong and strangely ok.  I thought to myself, "Oh my goodness, the sadness that I thought had made it's bed forever in my spirit has traveled on.  I am ok."  It was awesome.

And then I saw her.   
With her precious dark hair, smushed little nose and pouty little lips I knew for sure that Heaven had prepared her for such a time as this.  Just as Nora was born during such a hard time for our family (we had just lost Nanny months before) I felt like Colbie brought with her a peace for me that I didn't know I would feel again.  I looked into her eyes and I melted with adoration.  I thought that I must have let out a very audible sigh of relief as the spirit inside of me closed around the hole I have felt for months and became whole once again.  It was as if, by seeing Colbie, I was seeing the restoration of life.  I had renewed faith in God on July 5th when I held this baby.  I saw this gift of life in a perfect light and the Lord spoke softly to my spirit, "she's ok, Ramee."
And I know she is.

She looks big, healthy and strong.  She opened her eyes and looked right at me.  I needed to see that, I think.  I needed to see that this baby was going to see me.  Looking back I don't remember Mabel doing that and although that makes me sad for our journey it makes me incredibly thankful for Suzy.  I never want anyone I love to have to experience the grief, sadness, confusion and pain I have felt during this year.  And I realized as I sat in Suzy's hospital room how Val must feel for me.  Worried, sad and full of empathy.  I know she loves me greatly and doesn't want me to experience what I am going through with Mabel.  That is how I felt with Suzy.  I wanted to walk into the room and see Colbie and just know for myself that she is ok.
And I did.  I know she is. 

 Ecclesiastes 11:5Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.

I can't come to understand the ways of God, nor would I want to.  I know that Mabel is mine and she is perfect because God knit her together in my womb perfectly.  It is not necessarily the kind of 'perfect' that I had envisioned, but she is perfect.
  I know that Colbie is here, healthy and strong.  She was given to Suzy as a precious gift and when I saw her with her mommy & daddy, I was confident in this perfect plan that He has for her life.  She is a wonderful, delicate, unique little lady and I am in love with her already.

Welcome to the world, Colbie girl.  You have brought to me more than you can ever imagine and although it was never your responsibility, I am thankful that with your birth, peace was reborn in me again.  Today I am grateful for the ability to lose heart and then regain it.  God can make all things new, Colbie, and I hope you always remember that.  He can make all things new.  I love you, baby.  See you soon...

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