I've been wrestling with God lately.
I feel like Jacob under a starry sky; wrestling with the Lord. He felt like I do some days, I believe.
"Look at all that's going wrong, Lord? Alot of help you're being to me! hmph."
Bad news after bad news. Discouragement after discouragement. Fail after fail.
And it all feels very unfair and heavy.
I am thankful for the foundation that I have built with my God. He is my best friend and it is ok for He and I to wrestle sometimes. It's a churning inside of my gut and I question His ways, all the while knowing that He is God and I'm ok with that. As humans, we are unaware and unable to comprehend the goodness of the Lord. We respond on feelings alone which makes it easy to worship God when things are all beautiful and butterflies. However, when your baby is seizing and nothing is helping, she's on a high calorie food and is still losing weight and the word tells us that He will heal our disease if we are faithful...it begins to feel a little personal.
'Why do I have two healthy children, Lord? Where did I mess up along the way to cause this to happen? Is this a punishment? Show me how I have sinned against you, Lord. Really?! Not even an ounce of weight gain? Seriously? A disease? I am faithful to you! I have done it all right!
What is happening, God?'
It is a constant whirlwind of thoughts of my own and then affirmations from the Word. What is most beautiful to me, though, is that through it all I am still able to put aside my own thoughts and feelings and worship Him completely. I can stand next to Rachel at church and feel the presence of our submission. It is sacrificial and out of obedience and I know that the Lord understands that. Sometimes my sacrifice of praise is all I have to give.
Through it all, I am thankful for the wrestling. When Jacob told God that He didn't need Him, God started to walk away but he would not let go of Jacob's cloak. Jacob cried out to Him and basically said, "No! You can't leave me! But why would you want to stay? I have done nothing to deserve you."
God simply said, "You need me."
Jacob was at a place that he still felt like he didn't need God--'you aren't helping me anyway.'
But as they wrestled, neither would let go of the other.
Jacob learned the most important lesson that we could all learn. Grab hold of God and never let go. Because before this year, when my world looked like the ideal image of a family--I worshipped God out of my abundance for healthy children, a beautiful home, a strong marriage and anything else that was remotely easy.
And then when God allowed me to go through something that has shaken all of that, I still decided that no matter how I feel or what my situation looks like, I will not let go of this God. I may wrestle with Him. In fact, I do. Alot lately.
But I know He is there and He loves me. He cares for me so delicately.
I want to take a second to remind you that God is a jealous God. In knowing this, I truly believe that He wants to use Mabel to bring Himself glory. Sometimes good people who love the Lord go through really awful things. It doesn't make Him any less God. In fact, I believe He has a precious plan with those people who He is choosing to touch in a time that is incredibly challenging. I don't understand it. Sometimes it feels very unfair. But it doesn't change God.
He cannot be changed.
Rache reminded me yesterday that, as humans, we have this idea that if we put money in, we pull a piece of candy out. That is how our world works. If we give something then we should get something in return. Many times we feel like that if we love God, tithe our money, go to church every Sunday, teach our kids Bible verses, don't cuss, listen to the right music and just maintain this life of righteousness that we are entitled to a perfect, pain free life that excludes us from any type of inconvenience or turmoil. But the Lord did not say those things. He promised to equip us and never leave us for times when we are challenged and life is hard.
I have to remind myself of this alot lately and trust in His ultimate plan that is far greater than mine.
I am wrapping myself in His arms of love today and am going to rest there rather than wrestle.
I'm sure that will come again soon, but for now, rest sounds good for this weary spirit....