realizing.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I woke up good and then at some point, my emotions got the best of me.  I'm realizing more and more that there are less 'Good days' and more 'Good moments.'  And that is ok too because I am grateful for those really good moments throughout the day.  The sneak up on me and come in like a wave of wonder.  The good moments are precious to me.

 I realized a lot of  things yesterday while sitting outside of yet another Dr's office.  I realized, once again, that this is my new life.  Life has changed and is much different for me.  And no matter how often I come to terms with this, it is still so difficult and sad. 

I realized that I am no longer capable of being the woman I used to be.  She is changed completely.  This means I am not capable of being the great friend I once was, the great wife I once was, the great sister I once was or the same me at all.  The only way I'm capable of giving to these relationships in such a deep and devoted way would be if these people were with me at every appointment, therapy session, or specialist visit.  Because now--that is the only time I have in between my every day chores and responsibilities of being a wife and mom.  It's all used up and consumed with this 'new normal.'

This breaks my heart.  I desire to give to my relationships and have always taken great pride in the way that I am able to maintain such deep connections.  But my connections have to be changed now because all of my energy is put into Mabel and the things she needs...

And because the things that we are experiencing are very hard to explain from my end and extremely hard to understand from the other.

 I realized that I am thankful for Daniel's new job at the power plant.  I am thankful because we have been able to remain somewhat connected due to all of our trips to the doctor's together.  Other men that he works with are taking vacation days to have a real vacation or spend time with their family's doing alot of nothing.  Daniel is taking vacation days so that he can be present when we talk to the GI specialist about giving his daughter a feeding tube or to be there when we're told that she has a severe vision impairment. 

It breaks my heart for this man.  I didn't ask for this either, but it somehow makes me more sad for him.  He has done such a wonderful job of supporting me and lifting me up and although we have had our disagreements, I am really pleased at how he has adjusted to his new role as Mabel's dad.

 I realized that no matter how many times people make a comment about Mabel, it is probably always going to sting my heart. 

"Oh she looks so so tired."

"Baby, can you see me??  Baby??" 

"My she is so tiny.  She looks like a little rag doll."

I choose to smile and nod and not explain to people why she looks tired, can't see them or is so tiny and weak simply because I don't have the energy anymore.  I tried to explain it and defend her for the first couple of months but for now--I just can't do it.

Maybe some days I will feel like it but yesterday I just couldn't.

Instead, I sat still and let the breeze blow over me while I watched expecting mothers exit the building and I allowed myself to feel sad; for Mabel and for me.

I realized that here in this house, in the security of my home and family and these four kids--I have found a safe place.  I didn't know that Rachel and Harper would become part of this family the way that they have but I have never been more thankful.  There is a lack of expectation between us and it frees me everyday.

Some days I wake up with a joy and excitement for life; praising God and dancing with the children.  Other days I wake up and to be perfectly honest--I feel jaded and bitter.  Confused and sad.

And Rache and these kids have been here through every part of that.  I never give an explanation.  I never have to filter my thoughts or feelings.  I never have to explain or make excuses.  I carve out the time that I need for myself, my children and what is happening in this little sanctuary inside our big white house and that is simply enough.

It's all I can muster up alot of the time. 

I want people to understand that I never asked for this.  Rachel never asked for it either.

If either of us could change it for the other--we absolutely would do that.

This year for us has been something that no one should have to ever endure; let alone together.  Her changes have weaved into mine and we have somehow made it work, by the grace of God.

If I could describe what has happened to us, it would best be explained as a mass trauma.

[only without death.]

But trauma none the less.

And the fact that God saw it right to let us be together has been remarkable.  I am humbled and thankful.

But life is different now.  Much more changed than I am actually comfortable with.  God has stripped away everything comfortable and I am standing pretty raw and exposed now. 

I have never felt more used by God in my life.  And although exciting, it's also very invasive.

And hard to explain.

But I have felt it coming for a long time now and yesterday I realized it for certain:

God is going out with the old and in with the new.

This new life that I never knew existed....

I'm right in the middle of it with no escape. 

And so after realizing alot of things [again] yesterday, I had a good, long, hard cry. 

And woke up a little more clear today. 

Clarity is refreshing in this spirit of mine.