Saturday, October 1, 2011

I never know when it's going to hit me. 
I've had a great week and have felt amazing.  I remember thinking more than one time that I'm making progress emotionally.  There was more talk of a g-tube and although it's reality, I have felt good about it.  A peace that is Godly and strong.
The last two nights I have spent a couple hours away from the kids.  I enjoyed holding a new baby who was just born and last night Jeni & I went to a purse party and dinner.  It was a nice break. 
But then in rushes the wave of sadness, bitterness and sometimes frustration.

It's seeing a new baby and being thankful for her health.  And then that being followed by a sadness that feels selfish and conflicting.  It's the questions that run a muck in my mind.  It's the conversations among people who do not know me or our situation.  The everyday chatter of healthy kids who 'won't sit still' or who 'eat too much.'  All conversations that I engaged in many times before with my older children and yet somehow these same words sting deep these days. 

Of course I wouldn't want anyone else to experience the things that I feel.  I don't want their children to experience the things that Mabel does.  I just wish there was a filter for them or a shelter for me.  It makes me mad at myself.  I should be able to go out and enjoy dinner without tuning into every little thing that could potentially be offensive or hurtful.  No one is purposefully or intentionally hurting me.  They don't even know me.  So I hate myself for feeling upset or sad.

But I can't help it either. 
This morning has been hard for my girl.  I'm not sure whats bothering her but she is just uncomfortable.  At least I can share in that frustration with other moms of babies who are too young to explain what's wrong.  It's hard, isn't it?

We should hear from our surgeon this weekend and get some answers regarding Mabel's g-tube surgery.  We're thinking it will happen very soon. 
Please Please Please "like" Mabel's Able on facebook today and take part in our awesome online auction.  It will be left open until tomorrow at noon and everyone will have a chance to give to a great cause:  Our local Early Intervention program.  Please spread the word today and get your friends involved.  We aren't sure how this will go or what will come of it, but we are excited to try something new and hopefully have a chance to learn from it.  Hope to see you there!!!
Good weekend, friends. 


marie clare said...

Grief, it comes in waves, sometimes when you least expect it.

I love this piece:

Hope the auction was a great success!

marie clare said...

ok, not to sure why it cut off the complete address, but if you go to my blog and search "grief" you will find it. I promise its worth it:)