Thursday, October 20, 2011

surgery time.

Surgery is scheduled for 8:30 am.  I just got the call.
I wish I could say all the fu-fu things that make me look strong and feel spiritual but honestly, I'm overwhelmed, scared and sad.
I don't want to feel any of those things because I know this is the right choice but surgery is scary no matter how you slice it.  Literally.

And...of course I'm sad.  I'm so sad that we're really at his point.  That this is really our life and it's all truly happening.  I wish I could change it.  I wish more than anything I could wake up and none of it would be real.  But it is real.  And past the sad, troubling developmental delays...the medical needs of Mabel have jumped ahead in the race.  Reality has set in and although I'm a very good realist, I still don't like it.  I still wish we didn't have to do it.  I wish our baby was healthy and ok.

So as I sit here in the quiet house while all the kids are resting and napping, I feel very inside of myself.  I tend to go internal before I have to depend on my adrenaline to kick in and take care of things--which is what I suspect will happen over the course of the weekend.  For now, though, I'm not quite sure what to say, so I'm not saying much.  I'm not sure what to feel only I know that I don't want to try and figure it out because then I'll cry and everything will fall apart. 
Quiet house.  Busy mind.

So for now, I'm going to take some more medicine for my headache and continue to pray that it goes away before tomorrow--for good.
And I'm going to take a mid-afternoon bath {along with another one this evening).  Just because I can.  And because I think I owe it to myself.
I'll be posting frequently on here throughout the weekend so please check for updates often!  Also, on our facebook page "Raising Redheads Blog" will be smaller, shorter updates. 
Thanks in advance for your love, prayers and support.  We are truly blessed by you.


Bethany said...

praying for your beautiful family and that God holds Mabel in His healing hands.

Tiffany said...

I have already been praying. I will continue to pray. I have no words of comfort. I so wish I did, Ramee. This sucks. Mabel is being enveloped in prayer, and so are you my dear friend.

PS I love the new header.

Heidi said...

(((hugs))) praying for your little Mabel tonight and hoping everything goes smoothly for her.

Im sorry I couldnt of been more helpful. This was a tough decision as I know you would of preferred to do the fresh sample. But just wanted to reassure you that the frozen is most often done and considered to be standard. Most families dont have the option of fresh because of the availability. As you know it made no diference with Jacks tissue that sat on ice for 18 mos.

Anyway, my heart is heavy for you tonight. I remember cradling Jack the same way. So many thoughts ran through my head, I was mourning his perfct little tummy of all things! Of course this was well before a diagnoses. We just thought it was a sensory/feeding issue that would work its way out once he was older and with some good feeding therapy... today I dont know that woman, she is different. Just remember Im always here if you have any questions about the gtube or just someone to talk to. Praying this gives you answers and the treatment your baby girl needs. hugs-
Heidi & our Jack.