Wednesday, October 12, 2011

wrap your arms around me.

All of the sudden, Nora won't let me hug her anymore.  The moment she turned 5, she was far too mature for her mom to be noticeably loving on her.  Even though I get made fun of for it, it's really sad for me.  I just want to snuggle with my girl.
 And it's even harder because she thinks it's funny.  Like she'll purposefully climb up on anyone else's lap and give them all kinds of sweet love.  But no.  Not me. 
 ...until night time that is...
Because it's when she climbs in my bed that she finally says "mommy, wrap your arms around me." 
So of course I do. 

It reminds me of my relationship with the Lord. 
I so easily ignore Him and refuse to love on Him, especially in times that are difficult.  I act like I don't want His love or need it.  That I can do it on my own and am strong enough, big enough, and wise enough without Him.  I turn to anyone else and cling to them.  I embrace their love and affection.
But at the end of the day, when there is no one else--in the quiet, and in the dark, I beg Him...
"Father, wrap your arms around me."
And He is faithful every time. 

Every time Nora smiles an ornery grin and wipes away my kisses, it reminds me to teach her every day how important it is to faithfully and diligently love God.  That although we may feel like turning away from His unfailing love, we should embrace it and run into it. 
We are never too old.
Too smart.
Too wise.
The only problem is we may be to proud.  And that is so damaging.
I am so grateful for a loving, faithful, promise keeping God.  A God who's will is perfect.  A God in whom I can turn and trust.  What a special, precious gift.
[ If you don't know the Lord in this kind of way but would like to, please email me to talk about how you can. ]
I have been sad the last two days. 
I'm not sure why exactly other than I'm just completely wiped from this past week.  Even though it seems like it should be obvious to us by now, sometimes it is still hard to come to the realization that something is wrong with Mabel and we still don't know what it is. 
Some days she just looks worse to me than others and it hits me, literally, like a ton of bricks.
Most of the time it's not difficult to see my friends' kids who are Mabel's age.  I love them so I don't have a hard time being around them.  When I see a stranger's baby, though, it seems to be much harder for me.  Like when an 8 month old is like 30 pounds and walking. 
That's hard.

And then seeing babies who are much younger than Mabel who are passing her up in so many areas.  That's difficult.  Because although she is getting stronger and slowly doing things, it's not really alot of new progress.  She is prop sitting for longer, which is amazing, but still not without falling over at some point.  Seeing other babies transition from sitting to belly to their back and then back to sitting is amazing to me now because it's so much work just to move Mabel to do those things. 
I mean, she doesn't even roll over. 
I hate to be discouraging because she really is ok.  It's just hard sometimes.  And her poor little body is so stiff and rigid.  It's not like a bouncing baby whose legs bend so cute and easily.  We literally have to bend her legs for her and put her into a position we want her to be in. 

Sometimes it makes me sad to see other babies eating puffs or finger foods.  I would give anything to just give her an oreo.  Or a french fry. 
But she chokes on applesauce and even her formula. 
That's hard.

Its upsetting to me to watch other babies see a toy and reach for it.  They engage with an object because they can see it and they have interest in it.  Mabel doesn't do that.  She doesn't play with toys.  That's hard.

The panic sets in a little bit, especially when I'm hormonal anyway.  I start to feel extremely scared and frantic about Mabel and what she isn't doing.  Most of the time, I try desperately just to focus on loving her and embracing what she does do.  But I have to remind myself that so much of this must be normal.  I can't be the only parent who has a hard time with delays, especially because we are completely unaware of why they exist to begin with. 

Not to take away from the severity of other syndromes or diseases at all, but I feel like if we at least knew what was the cause of Mabel's many issues, I could learn to accept it and cope with it.  But the not knowing is so, so hard.  It's so very scary.  It can be consuming.

So I plead, "Father, wrap your arms around me."
And although I cry easier on days like today, I feel His perfect peace running through me.  And I know we're ok. 
We are ok. 
He's here.  And we are ok.

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
Isaiah 41:13
I'm thankful that Daniel has the next couple of days off from work.  He will hopefully help me teach the kids school and maybe we'll spend some time outside, enjoying the final days of Indian Summer.  Soon it will be cold and I'll be itching for these final fall moments once again. 

Praying that if you're in a place of emptiness, sadness, frustration, anger, or despair that you simply ask the Lord to wrap His arms around you.  You will feel Him.  He is always ready and waiting for your invitation to love on you.  Let Him. 
He is oh so good.


Anonymous said...

All I can say is AMEN! Loving the Larsons!


Beautifully written. So many of those thoughts are in my head as well. I am thankful that the Lord has allowed our paths to cross as we love and try to be the best parents possible to our extra special little ones.

Natalie said...

I love the way you express yourself, Ramee. Kyle is outgrowing the snuggly stage like Nora. They grow up so fast and I am going to miss it a lot. David will hopefully always be my snuggle bug. Sending many blessed fall days to you and your family!

Mighty Mito Mom said...

Love your blog!