Saturday, December 10, 2011


I watched her from across the room as her face was glowing and her laughter was contagious.  I saw her shiny hair and the way she ran her fingers through it.  I looked around and the whole room seemed happy.  I'm not sure I'll forget what it felt like to wonder how they could all be so completely joyful.
And I felt the Lord pursue me.

He pursues me with his relentless love and yet I find myself in a dishes predicament. 
What I mean is that there are many times when I'm standing at the kitchen sink doing my dishes when my  husband walks up behind me and wraps his arms around me.  He is pursuing me for a moment of love.  And yet, often times I ignore his gesture and continue to scrub away the muck that is before me.  It is cathartic to me and it has to be done.  Love can wait.

He almost never walks away.  He'll stand there, firm, holding me.  I find myself frustrated inside, silently begging for him to just leave me to the dirt.  I want to scrub and scrub until I can see in my plates and pans the victory of my work. 
Yet he pursues me.

Sometimes I don't respond out of sheer laziness.  Because if I turn around and respond to my husband's gesture, that takes effort.  Effort to open up and accept the love that he's giving, effort to give love back, effort to be vulnerable.  Effort to just interact with him.
And most of the time, I am ashamed to say that doing the dishes seems like a lot less work.  I can be closed off.  I can be quiet.  I can be still.  I can be inside of myself and not let him in.
Yet he pursues me.

Other times I am not ready.  I am not cleaned up.  My teeth haven't been brushed and my hair is a mess.  I'm cleaning the dishes with my back to the world because I don't feel presentable enough to turn around and face it.  I don't feel like turning around, into the arms of my husband and revealing this woman who is bare and unclean. 
Yet he pursues me.

So when we were at dinner the other night and I looked around the room, my eyes fixated on the woman with the golden locks of hair.  Her smile lit up the room and she was fully enjoying dinner and her conversation.  My husband went to the restroom and I sat alone, watching the people around me dance through the night as if it was the most magical experience they have ever had.  I felt like a witness to a scene in a movie.  I was on the sidelines enjoying the vision yet wondering how everyone could possibly be so happy?  
And He began pursuing my thoughts.

Thankfully in the moments of my laziness, disgust, withdraw, and sadness there is a God who still loves me enough to walk up behind me and not walk away.  He doesn't care how long I don't face Him.  He doesn't care how long I scrub and clean.  He doesn't care what I look like, smell like, act like.  He just waits; longing for me to turn around and exchange with him a glance of knowing.  A moment of utter exhaustion leads to sunken shoulders and a head buried deep in the chest of my lover; my God.

Don't any of them have sick children?  Don't they realize that people are suffering, loved ones are dying?  Doesn't anyone in this entire restaurant feel outside of themselves?  Why is she so happy?  Why does her hair have to be so perfect and why on earth does she have to know it in such a way to make me feel even more distant from my own beauty and worth? 

And the Lord said this:
It doesn't matter if they have sick children.  You do.
It doesn't matter if they are aware of the suffering that goes on.  You are.
It doesn't matter if they haven't lost loved ones and this time of year is hard for them.  You have.
It doesn't matter that no one else feels the way that you do. 
Because I know.  I have brought you here.  Just sit there and understand that I am here.
I haven't left you.  I am not leaving you.  I will walk this road with you; in fact I planned it's every turn and hill. 
Your hair is beautiful.  It's just a different shade of red, much like your life.  It's a different shade of your plan.  But not of mine.  The natural color is what I made it and my only natural plan is still in tact.  This is it.  You're living it. 
And that is beautiful.  You're going to be ok.
I'm here with you.  I will continue to pursue you. 
I love you.

Daniel walked around the corner, returning from the bathroom and as I sat across from him, I realized that I am being pursued by many people.  People I have closed off for fear of breaking down and a God who I have wrestled with and have refused to let go of during a time I easily could have.  But I also realized that even if I had let go of Him, He wouldn't have left me. 

Have you felt this way?  I'm willing to bet that you have.
I believe that the Lord is wanting us to put the messy dishes down and turn around.  We could never scrub enough to make it all better, or to get them all clean. 
Instead we should turn around and fall into the arms of the One who is pursuing you and allow Him to do so. 
Maybe even take it one step further and allow yourself the intimacy of engaging with the One in ways that you haven't done in a long time.
He is waiting and He deserves you.  For He has been faithful and He has waited.
At least He has for me...

So to the beautiful, smiling, blond haired, youthful looking woman in Olive Garden:
I hope that you are being pursued in such powerful ways by our Lord as I have been. 
It may look different for you and that is ok with me [finally.]
I will never forget your laugh.

1 comment:

TheNestPhotos said...

Your words are amazing! Start working on your book girl :)