Wednesday, December 14, 2011

rainy day blues.

I woke up crying this morning.  Literally, tears streaming down my face-not wanting to face this day.  There's nothing new about today.  It's the same day I have every other.  It was just a feel-sorry-for-myself, stay in bed, buckle under the covers kind of day.  And yet, it never can be because there is life to live.  Children to raise, breakfast to make (or doughnuts to give), gtube to clean, vacuuming to be done. 

Nora took this photo from my cell phone early this morning.  I wake up and take just a few minutes to check my email, facebook, other blogs and such while I eat my cereal and drink my coffee.  It's a faithful routine that works well as the kids usually watch cartoons for awhile when they first wake up. 
Some days longer than others.  Some days I can't get them to sit still at all.
 This week has been sort of emotional.  There is never one true trigger but as my favorite neuro nurse told me that she's retiring this month, I felt my shoulders slump a little in despair.  It was the first time that I realized we are going to lose people along the way [in this journey] that we grow to love and almost depend on.  I mean when Mabel turns 3, her therapists, who have become my friends, will just be gone.  And what then?  I depend on those therapy sessions to pull me through each day and often times, they do.  We'll have new people enter our lives and join the team, of course, but it is a sad thought knowing how fleeting each part of our lives truly are.

I talked to God last night on the way to the grocery store.  I explained to Him how I felt so out of sorts with Him.  I used to think that the more faithful I was, the harder I prayed, the more fervent and desperate my cry was--the greater He would pull through for me.  That was my idea of faith.
That has all changed now. 
God is sovereign.  He wants my obedience but He needs nothing more.  He needs no desperate plea.  It isn't going to take one good pounding of my fists and stomping my feet in utter despair for it to all turn around.  If that's all it took, it would have happened many fits ago. 
So my faith has changed. 
Now--my faith lies in Him. has nothing to do with me...
 Remember how many times I've called myself  'Jacob' throughout this year?  I've blogged about Jacob wrestling with God and how I've done the same on more than one occasion.  Just recently I finished reading Angie Smith's new book, "What Women Fear."  [By the way, if you want a FANTASTIC read--please consider this book!  It was life changing for me!]

Anyway, in the book Angie writes a chapter on Jacob as well.  What struck me about the whole chapter was her recalling the limp that the Lord left Jacob with, even after He had changed his name to help him remember that he was a new man after he wrestled with God that night.  Israel walked away with a limp to remind him of the night he refused to let go of God.  God didn't give him a pendant or a medal to remind him.  He gave him something permanent. 

After reading this, I was able to speak to a dear friend of mine and remind her that even in our struggles, as we wrestle with God, in a sense we should look forward to the limp.  Because my wrestling still isn't complete.  I am not letting go of God until He fulfills His promises and I know that He may not do that just now--just so I will continue to hold fast.  And I'm beginning to be ok with that.  But when it's all said and done, I wonder what will God leave me with to remind me of this time when I wrestled with Him and walked away in victory?
My life has been completely altered.  This pendant around my neck symbolizes so many personal things for me but most of all, it is the alteration of my spirit. 
My love and adoration for a God who has given me a zest for life, despite my sadness and deepest fears.  He is still here, faithful and unchanging. 
My life has been altered but His plan has not.  He has known all along.
There is a great peace buried in that for me.
Every time that I 'limp' in this life, I want to be reminded that God won.  After the wrestling, after the questioning, after the pursuing of a God who is personal--
He is still going to win.  His will is still above mine. 
I want that reminder each and every day, no matter what the cost. 
We all need to be reminded, don't you think?

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