Monday, January 2, 2012

Cold thoughts on a non-holiday.

We welcomed winter yesterday.  
Until then, it had been fairly warm outside.  I was taking walks, the kids were bundling up and playing, and we were coming and going a little each day.   
But yesterday the chill blew in from each old window and bit our bones.  I wore two sweatshirts and we gathered blankets that were strewn about.  
It was cold, cold, cold.

I knew winter by his familiar cloak.  
My children become much 'different' on a winter day than any other.  And quite honestly, so do I.  
We had all been awake far too long and I ended the day with yells and guilt.  That never feels good.
We just finished Christmas yet the kids 'have nothing to do' and so they're right where I am the entire day.  
They refuse to take naps, they refuse to eat, they refuse to listen.
And I refuse to medicate myself. 
 So the end result is impatience and the loss of focus on my part.

When a day like yesterday rolls around it leaves me thankful for new mercies everyday.  
It leaves me incredibly grateful for a God of grace.  
It also leaves me profoundly angry in ways that I choose to never express-only to the person who happens to be with me in that moment (which is one of 3 people who have managed to stick it out with me this year.)

Did you know that most people don't have the endurance to just be around?
Life goes on for them and they are entitled to enjoy it.  Embrace it.  Live it.
And they just can't pull it together to show up when you need them to.
That is painful and lonely in the late of a cold night.
But it's true and as I'm growing, I'm accepting that alongside the rest of it...
I got Mabel out of the bath today and she smiled up at me with a mouth full of really big teeth.  I swaddled her in a towel and carried my 18 month old newborn down the stairs.  I realized that she is being nourished only by a bottle and a few spoonfuls of applesauce or something of the like each day.  
The days are passing and she remains the same.  
Sometimes when I hear people say things like, "I wish they wouldn't grow up so fast," or "I wish they could stay this way forever," I cringe and wanna punch them in their face.
That was a little angry and very exaggerated but really...
You don't want them to stay this way forever.
You want them to grow.
Be careful what you wish for.
My happy for January 2nd?
The redheads laughing in the toy room right now & the sound of it.  
Although I cherish these little moments, and will inevitably miss them as they grow and develop, I want that now.  I want it more than ever.  
It makes me happy--for today.
And that is all I can ask for.  What a blessing.
I was in Wal-Mart a few days ago and overheard a man say to another, "That is retarded!"
The other man laughed and said, "Nah, that's in the genes." 
I don't know what that means exactly, but as they laughed I felt helpless.  
It's neither accurate or appealing.
Appalling for sure, but not funny.
...If I decided to add another resolution or idea for 2012, it would simply be:
Be Mindful of Others.

Because truly, everybody is going through something.  And it just takes a little bit of effort, and compassion to be awake to it.  I hope this year I can continue to grow, change and learn how to be more mindful.  
More aware.  More thoughtful.  More compassionate. 
Did you know that most people are considering today a holiday?
It's not though, really.  So that's weird.
It's cold yet again today and my tired body is giving way to it's persuasion.
Off to snuggle close to the laughter that is making me so happy.

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