Friday, February 17, 2012

sunshine && seasons.

At 6 pm, the sun was just setting.  I looked at the clock twice to double check.  It was true-it is happening.
Soon the horizon will look differently and we'll have a few more hours of daylight before the dark creeps in each day.  Soon we will embrace the fiery sunshine well into the night hours.  We will soak it in.  
 Today I sat more than usual.  I sat on the couch and I held my littlest girl-alot.  I try to slow myself down on most days but am usually not successful.  I'm naturally busy.  I wake up ready to go and find something to fill my time until I force my head to hit the pillow at night.
But today, I felt a big need to just slow down, sit, and look at Mabel.  When the kids yelled for me, I took the time to go.  I felt in tune to them today and let everything else fall to the wayside so that I could just be in the moment with them.

Today Braden wore one of Nora's leotards the entire day.  Photos to come.
It's disturbing, yes.  But also cute.  Way too cute
They did gymnastics on the couches (photos of that to come as well.)
...I let them just be little.  Because they are still little and not for long...
 This week has been weird for me.  We've gotten lots of new information, in bursts, about Mabel.  All of it is stuff we already know but is worth repeating.  For instance, today I got her eye report from her test last week in Chicago and the Dr. made sure to put in her notes that Mabel's vision in dim/low lighting was highly diminished.  We know this and it's a good confirmation to our observations but it's still overwhelming to once again be reminded.  It knocks me out of denial for a second and it takes a moment to regain my footing in this dance we're doing between that in which we know and the absolute unknown.
 I almost cried in the little girl's section of Wal-Mart a couple nights ago.  The spring dresses were on display and they're all so cute.  It made me sickeningly sad for some reason.  Probably because in my mind, I still picture this little girl who is almost 2 who is 'supposed to be' walking and wearing dresses with strong little legs and a resilient bounce in her step.  I have the exact opposite.  
Mabel is incredibly weak, and little.  Her legs are pitiful looking and so even dressing her has become tricky for me because it could easily upset me if I let it.  Not only because she looks so weak, but because it's extremely hard to dress her in general.  I try hard not to let it bother me, but just like in the aisle at Wal-Mart on that cold sometimes creeps in without my knowing.  It sometimes invades even the most sacred of thoughts, or the most shallow places.

We are still waiting on one last test from Mabel's muscle biopsy.  I emailed our genetic counselor and got a response saying it will be another month or so of waiting.
Story of our lives.
Nora went to her first birthday party last weekend and had her first 4-H meeting tonight.  She's growing up so quickly.  She is such a joy to me.  Yesterday was the first time that she brought it up to me and wanted to talk about how her sister, Mabel, was 'different than other kids.'  She is very perceptive so I let her talk and encouraged her in all she was thinking.  We have never told them that Mabel is different but she understands far more than what I could even explain.  God is truly molding my children with sweet, gentle hearts.  I am so thankful for that.  I am so thankful for the gifts that they are being given in this season of our lives.

Worship music played in our kitchen tonight as the rest of the house was quiet and the sun began to drift behind the neighbors trees.  I watched the kids dance in the kitchen and I thanked the Lord for allowing me to show them that He is here, just as much as He is anywhere.  He is right here.
There are so many things that I would have been unable to comprehend, and therefore teach them if it wasn't for the hard lessons I have learned this year.  Going forward, I know that they will be so much better off because of it.  There are moments of clarity in this journey, like the slow pace of this day, that have reminded me that I am being refined for a purpose.  I pray that I can recognize the gift that it is and run with it.

I realized today that I can no longer depend on the shifting of the seasons to pull me through these hard days.  For the last year I have constantly looked toward spring, summer, fall and winter to blow in a refreshing.  My spirit has been refreshed in different ways during each passing month but it has very little to do with the seasons themselves.
It has everything to do with this spiritual season that I am still in.  
A season of growth, change, learning, chaos, sadness, maturing, confusion, pain, unexplainable joy, wrestling, grieving, desiring, overcoming, grace, and ultimately peace.

This season doesn't turn as easily as some.  It hasn't been as subtle and calm.  And it has lasted far longer than an average winter.  However, it is one that I am learning to embrace and be content in.  So as I look outside and I feel the excitement of longer days, barefoot mornings and soon to be sandy beaches-
I remember that those things will all come and go; come and go.
And this season that I am living in now might be here to stay.

I am always evolving.  Always accepting-
both the joy and the pain of where I am now.
And I'm learning to be ok with that.

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