Sunday, March 4, 2012


I've been spending a lot of time in rooms of the house that I normally do not.
Strangely, this is not only literal but metaphorical as well. 
I've been spending alot of time in rooms of my heart that I didn't know I needed to, wanted to or would bring me such comfort.  But since cleaning up, vacuuming, lighting a candle and rocking in my new chair-I have realized that this brings me alot of peace and alot of calm. 
This is exactly where I should have been sitting all along.
Again, quite metaphorical. 

I can see the world through the big glass window in our toy room.  This is where the kids play.  It is also where I began our homeschooling journey.  This is a room that was once our bedroom.  It brings the most heat and is the only room downstairs with carpet.  It's a cozy little space that I feel I have crawled into from a state of desperation and yet I walk out feeling overpowered and re energized. 

I watched my best friend nurse her baby in this room many days and from footsteps away, I would desperately pray for her to be ok; to find joy and to wake up with a passion for life anew.  I nursed my own baby on my bed over a year ago and remember knowing that I had changed yet not knowing why.  There were many nights of children dancing, daddy playing the guitar and broken pieces of life scattered all around us.  And yet in the dim light, we found resurrection for ourselves and our lives. 

Now as I sit here after a couple really bad days, I see nothing but sunlight outside.  The house is silent and I am alone with my thoughts.  My dad walked in the house today and hugged me.  And then I cried.  It was the first time I've allowed myself to feel like a little girl in the arms of one of my parents since this journey with Mabel started.  I always know I can, but I am often too proud to let myself.  I was eating lunch, my kids were ridiculously quiet, Mabel was on the floor in front of me and I was exhausted.  His hug let me go to that comforting room in my heart that I haven't unlocked yet. 
...and I may not again for a very long time, but today it was needed. 
And then Mabel looked up at him and smiled.

I have come to realize and accept that most days I am merely surviving.  I am doing the very best that I can and I hate that because I feel like it could be better; I could do more. 
That's just who I am, though, and so letting go of it is difficult.  It's so so difficult.
I have also come to realize that some days [most actually] you just have to fake it til ya make it.
Sometimes it's with a bright red lipstick smile and that's enough.
Others it's simply laughing with my kids forcefully.
But I'm learning to be really good at faking it.
And that isn't quite so difficult for me.

Just praying that 'fake it' truly does help me make it.
Happy Sunday, friends.

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