I forgot to say Happy May.
I am so thankful it is here. This is the month when my spirit releases and my hands touch the dirt. I dig deep in my garden and in my heart and I plant things that I pray will take root and grow deeply. There is a solace in my flower garden and when I buy the seeds I feel myself take a deep, invigorating breath. Summer is here.
The season of hot, popsicles, freedom, and flowers.
God has been teaching me something this week and I'd like to share. It's a pretty simple something. It's the fact that our soul is so incredibly resilient.
We can be far from God for far too long and somehow when He plants our feet once again our soul bounces back to that very familiar place. The place where we hear His voice and recognize it, where nothing is a coincidence and where believing in every part of Him is easy. Our soul is made so pliable and yet so sturdy. Once God becomes your source-He rests there. You may waiver, wander and run but He is steadily waiting right where you left Him.
In your lovely, strong soul.
I cried myself to sleep last night.
We visited a new church with Katie and Adam just because and the service was great. The people were great! The kids loved it and are begging to go back today. None of that was the real issue.
The real issue is me. And Mabel. And how to deal with people when they ask about her, or when they don't ask but stare.
I felt the panic rising to my throat after service when about 6 ladies approached us to see our girl. Of course I want them to look-she's beautiful and she is our daughter. But the awkward tension when someone asks how old she is...and then respond with upturned eyebrows and a confusing gesture-it's heartbreaking. Not only that but suddenly someone thinks that they are going to be the one to tell me that 'she seems to look around just fine!.' and BOOM she can see! It's a miracle!!!
People mean well and I know that. It's part of the growing for me and it's a chance to exercise grace and patience. I try to keep in mind what I was reminded of later in the night:
I want people to know about her and even if it's hard for me, I will tell them. But I will also navigate where I want to expend my emotional energy because I was so exhausted after coming home.
Katie sat next to me and Mabel jerked the entire service. I was exhausted just holding her so I can't imagine what her little body must feel like. Her fingers are crossing now and I am constantly trying to pull them apart. The details of her body devastate me, without me really even knowing it.
When we got home Katie sent me the sweetest text-just in a knowing way.
"I hope people didn't handle Mabes the wrong way. People dont know what to say and I was nervous for you..."
I so appreciate good friends who know my heart even if I think I hide my feelings well. Just her acknowledging how hard those moments often are was such a comfort to me.
Daniel held me as I cried last night and once again told him how angry I was. Anger, remember, is part of grief? And I do recall that I just wrote my happy, non-grieving post yesterday. And then suddenly I'm laying in bed, black streaks covering my cheeks, body shaking and pounding my fists once again.
In certain moments, it feels as if it has all been stripped away.
I want to explain in great detail what I mean but I know it could come across hurtful to some and that is not my intention.
And really, it isn't about the things I want to write anyway. It's still about so much more in this heart of mine.
That is why I'm so thankful for this resilient soul, strong mind and a sturdy foundation. When everything else has been crushed, let me down, or fallen apart-
He is still waiting. He is still here waiting.
Happy May, friends!
What will you do this May that will grow new memories?
Last year I was busy preparing for our first ever appointment with a geneticist. I was distracted and let life pass by quickly around me.
This year, I am slow. I am focused. I am purposed.
I am heartfelt and prayerful.
I feel good again, over all.
And I cannot wait to let the sun kiss my shoulders while wearing my giant hat as I plant the most gorgeous yellow flowers in the whole town.
That's my plan. What's yours?