Thursday, May 24, 2012

on acceptance.

I used to wear my hair short always.  I wanted it in a 'style' but mostly it made me feel young, spunky, and in control.  It oozed confidence and suited me well.  

A couple of months ago I said to Rache that I finally feel like I can grow my hair long because although I still have those qualities, I also have new ones.
Gentle, much less in control, calm.
I feel like I can blend in with the rest of the world and for the first time in my life be ok with it rather than feeling this strong need to stand out.  

So I'm growing my hair.  And that is why you see me with half a ponytail and a mess on my head. 
Go with it.
It's been a weird week.  A floating through the day kind of week.  I wake up, things are steady and eventually it's bedtime.  I think that 'acceptance' came in at full swing this week as part of my grief because as I lay in bed a few nights ago I realized that I could think about Mabel and the fact that she is undiagnosed without feeling like I wanted to cry.
 Acceptance is a tricky part of grief because it doesn't ever stay.  Or at least it hasn't yet.  It comes in and I feel wonderful and then suddenly reality hits and I remember just how sad I am.  I do feel like the waves are few and far between now and they are far less aggressive.  I have steadied out in my emotions and maybe acceptance seems like something more tangible now.  I feel like I could reach out and grab hold of the peace that simply is.

As I was walking last night, pushing only Mabel in the stroller I felt a huge wind of calm pass over me.  
It's happening.  I'm going to be ok...
no matter what.
And that's a good place to be.
 3 babies lost their lives this week.  And that is just the families that I know of from online.  All had some form of a rare disease, although each were different.  
 Do you know what helps keep me sane most days?
This boy.
 Dancing in his underwear in our front yard (in the middle of town) with tennis shoes and singing "I'm sexy and I know it." 
 ...and then as he sees the pictures as I'm typing this he says, "What am I doing?  This is creepy..."
Totally is dude.

 So many of you have reached out to me with your own struggles.  Your honesty inspires me.  If there was ever something I wanted to accomplish on this blog it was always to stay true to myself and to anyone who was reading.  You help me want to be brave.  

For those of you with your own medical journeys--how can I pray with you?
For those of you with broken marriages,  scattered friendships, strained relationships--hang tough.  
Email me or comment with anything you'd like me to pray about.  I would be honored.

Good Thursday, friends. 
It's about to get hot up in Illinois this weekend.
Break out the sunscreen.

1 comment:

Katherine Kowalski said...

Just catching up on my favourite blogs after a holiday and can I just say how much I love your blog? Your writing style is poetic and gentle, humorous, honest. It's a very refreshing read and I always seem to come away from reading your posts with a sense of renewed energy about our own situation. Thank you.