Dear Mabel, you're 2!

Dear Mabel,

Today you are 2 years old!!!

Happy Birthday, my love.  

Let me tell you little girl...these 2 years you have taken me on the ride of my life!  

At this exact time 2 years ago, your Aunt Jeni & I were eating pizza in a hospital room as you slept beautifully in front of us.  We took your picture and laughed at your big lips.  We combed your hair and put lots of little bows in it's thickness.  Jeni was so glad that you looked like her and I so enjoyed having her with me on that very special night.

Just hours before that I had delivered you quickly and rather easily.  In a flash, the room erupted in laughter and as everyone busied around me looking at you and laughing at your head full of dark hair, I felt something in my heart still.  For a moment, I went outside of myself and I can still see that delivery room as if I were from above and not actually present.  Something happened right then, Mabel.  You and I connected in a way that I will never be able to explain, but there was a knowing that this journey we were about to go on would be intense between you and I.

As I nursed you later that night, after Jeni and the rest of our company had gone home, I prayed quietly that God would continue to take away the fear that I had felt for all nine months of my pregnancy with you.  I begged Him to let it subside now that you were in my arms.  And all at once, a peace washed over me as I watched you gently draw life from me.  I can't explain what was happening exactly but within moments I was weeping.  I wept over you for just a moment and in that quiet, personal, gentle moment God began to transform me into your mommy.

The peace came but the fear stayed.

Those first few days, weeks and months with you were absolutely some of the greatest of my entire life, Mabel.  You were the best baby; too good to be true.

And to this day-the same is true.  

Your second birthday is so special to me, Mabel.  This year I did not know how I would feel.

  After all, it has been an entire year of chaos with no new answers.  I have felt overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, mad, hurt, confused, and all of that time and time again.  

But not today little girl.  Not today.

Today I woke up and I felt renewed.  I waited for you to meet me with your smiling face and when I leaned down over your crib, just like I do every morning, I thanked God for you as I breathed you in.  You smiled at me with your tonguey grin and my heart literally stood still as I touched your un-used, perfect skin.  Your hair was matted as it always is and as I greeted you with a "good morning, Mabel..." your weak body fell at ease on mine and we started down the stairs.

In that moment, on this day-everything in my world was perfect.

We celebrated your birthday yesterday with our family at Pawpy's house.  It was very special and ended up being the most perfect day.

Everyone celebrates you every day, Mabel, but today especially-it felt like the world was made for you.

Mabel, Mabel, Mabel-

You make our world go round.  We were missing so much before you came along and God has fulfilled so much through you.  Most days I am completely humbled and in awe that you are my gift.  

My perfect, pure, precious gift.

I know that God blessed us yesterday with so much grace because you didn't cry at all.  You had the very best day that you have had in probably a full year.  You weren't fussy, didn't throw up, weren't shaky, didn't need a nap and you smiled constantly.  

It was all for you and you rocked it.

You make me so happy Mabel.  

You make me so so happy.

There is so much that I want to say to you on this, your second birthday, but to be honest-the words aren't here.  There is nothing adequate enough or big enough to tell you what you mean to me.  But when you catch my face and you smile that smile, I already know that you know.

You and I have got it kid.  

Me and you.

In all of my life I have never known that I was made for anything more than I know I was created to be your mommy.  I felt it from the second that they put you in my arms 2 years ago.  And in that moment I knew I needed you all along.  There was an ache that gave way when I first saw your face and from that moment on I have felt it compressed inside of my heart.  

You.

This year was incredible for us Mabel Audrine.
You showed me things that I never knew before and took me to places I would have never gone.  You are making me a better mommy, a better wife, a better sister, a better friend, a better daughter.  

Because of you I saw Jesus-the real Him.

And in two years you have done more than most people will ever do in a lifetime.  

Your purpose is great, Mabel, and even if you are unaware of that I am so thankful that you are being used for a life bigger than this.

You are the most beautiful child of God, baby.  

You are my everything.

Happy Happy Birthday, Mabel.  

I love you with my entire heart..

Mama

PS...today the peace came again and I didn't feel the fear.  

For the first time in a long time, I enjoyed every part of you without reservation.

Today was a great day.