hair/school

Yesterday I chopped off my hair.  

And as it was falling, so was the weight of the past year.  It was falling briskly over my shoulders to the floor, where it was eventually swept away.  I feel lighter.  I feel more myself.

I feel like we can proceed with life in confidence and strength.

Speaking of confidence and strength, my 6 year old girl has an incredible amount of both.  

She started school (as you all saw) but came home after night 3 and had a true emotional breakdown.  She said things that I didn't know she was feeling or that she even understood.  Things that were disturbing to my mommy heart.

Basically, my girl worries about her sister in an adult kind of way and doesn't want to be away from her.

After all, she hasn't missed a therapy session in the past 2 years.  She has been around for almost every doctor call, she helps me do meds, she watches as we leave for appointments and has joined us at a few.  

What I thought was crazy is her normal.

 After some discussion and prayer, her dad and I decided that I will teach her at home once again.  We realize that this time with Mabel is precious and it's time that we can't replace or get back.  We know that Nora's heart is the most valuable part of her and we want to allow her to feel safe in a home that is not 'typical.'  

Other children worry, yes.  Other children have a rough first week of school, yes.

But other children do not have the kind of unique situation happening in their lives that Nora has.  And many are not quite as mature as she is.  

Teaching her at home has never been an issue.  I teach and she learns.  She is bright and full of motivation.  It was never an issue whether or not we could make it work.  It was more about giving her something normal in the midst of crazy.

But again, this is our normal and it's all she knows.

Homeschooling has long been my dream.  I thought that it was changing as things with Mabel started to take over my daily life but that was before we had a diagnosis.  There was so much testing, so many appointments, so many calls.  But now there is none of that.  It's all over.

Now we just get to live.

So we will adjust.  I'll be getting a curriculum started for both Nora and Braden and we'll start after Labor Day, like we have done every other year.  

No discussion needs to be had with me about our decision, unless it's to support it because let's be honest- 

I'm her mom. I know what's the very best for my kids and at this point I can rightfully admit that sending Nora to school just isn't the best option for now.  For today.

It may change again soon.  When things settle and she feels comfortable enough to leave this house every day and not have anxiety about Mabel and all that involves, then we'll re-adjust once again.  But for now, I refuse to know that her little mind is consumed with things that it should not be.  The worry that is in my mind is heavy, so I cannot imagine what she must be feeling.

But I do know that whatever it is, I want her to feel comfortable enough to come to me at any time during the day and talk about it.  If she needs to walk through this house at any given moment just to catch sight of Mabel, then I need to allow that for now too. This has not been an easy road for any of us, but I refuse to lose sight of what I believe is the most important thing, and that is the hearts of these children.

What can I say--once a homeschooler, always a homeschooler.

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Deuteronomy 11:19 
"Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. "

We're just going to do our best.  It's all we've been called to do.