Saturday, September 1, 2012

leaping heart.

“Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And the point of biblical stories like Joseph and Job and Esther and Ruth is to help us feel in our bones (not just know in our heads) that God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ.” 
--John Piper

There is so much joy in my heart this morning.  I woke up surrounded by the bodies of my oldest two redheads.  I felt their warmth and I purposefully rolled back and forth between them so that I could wrap my arms around each of them, spooning them as if it would save my life.  And this morning, I believe it did.  I haven't woken up so full, so joyful, so complete in a very long time.

And then when my feet hit the floor I heard a slight whimper from Mabel's room.  I swung open the door with excitement and sang to her as I always do, 
"She's a baby girl, she's a  She's a baby girl, she's a baby girl
uh uh uh uh uh.  uh uh uh uh uh."
She smiled and my heart literally leapt inside of me.

Braden followed close behind and he joined her in her crib.  This is a morning ritual when she wakes up close to the time that he does.  He lays with her and his voice becomes like that of an adult trying to speak like a baby.  He adores this little girl, and although he is far less aware of her struggles than Nora is, he is still intuitive.  He still understands.

I can't explain the fullness of joy that I am experiencing lately.  It's that peace that I desired for so long in this process.  I knew that it would come if I only knew what was altering the life of my child.  
I begged to know.  I pleaded.  Then I released my need and gave in to acceptance without an answer.  
Then the answer came and an overwhelming thankfulness swept over me.  My God never left me.  He never withheld from me that which I needed.  He is just sovereign and He knew there was work to be done first.  Work that I would do in my desperation and unrest.
Work that I believe I did well and that was pleasing to Him.
That is my hope, at least.

And I am in a time of deep rest.  A time of living and enjoying and just trusting.  
It's a time of great peace and calm.
There is worry, sure.  There is sadness; sometimes.  But there is so much more now.  
If only I could have seen the fullness that was waiting for me at the end of the heartache.  If only I could have tasted the plentiful goodness of the day to day living that was awaiting me.  

We have a heartbreaking diagnosis for our daughter but we also have one of the most full lives that I could dream.  We have days that are long and exhausting beyond the explanation of words and yet I wake up feeling refreshed in my spirit.  
There is no other way.  There is no other explanation.

Only God.  Only the God who carries us through trials to bring us out victoriously.  Only the God who loves us enough to do so.
Only my friend; my God.  
Happy Saturday, friends.
We're finally getting rain!

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