We were lying in bed and I saw the tears welling in his eyes. He is relentlessly strong for me in this process and yet on this night I saw his tenderness and pain escape him. His body rocked and he sobbed like a young child. In fact, he looked more like Braden than ever before. I held him and hugged him as he allowed himself to feel the reality and pain of our life in a moment that was fleeting.
They come and go; come and go.
This is the eleventh year that I have loved this man and somehow it has grown more than I ever knew it could. We used to fight hard and love hard and now it seems life has stolen that from us. Now we just love hard, knowing that ultimately that is really all that matters. Doors used to slam and voices would yell and now the energy that it takes to do those things is purposed in other directions. We make a great team but my heart is broken for my other half. I hate feeling sorry for him as if I'm to blame for Mabel's disease but in a sense, I'm just so sorry for both of us.
When we were just kids ourselves, I dreamed of having his children. I knew they would have red hair, blue eyes and huge personalities. I knew that they would be ornery, loud, even obnoxious. I knew that it would be exactly what I had imagined it would be.
...
And then there was Mabel. A gift that was wrapped in the tightest swaddle you have ever seen and a bow that topped dark black hair. She was nothing like I had dreamed and yet everything I needed and didn't know I wanted. But she sure was not what I expected.
Looking at this man, I always knew that we would fight any fight together. I always knew that we made up two parts to a really amazing team. He is fierce and can be downright mean and I am aggressive and don't back down either. We have this determination about us that is ruthless and in that we have found a great drive to stand up for injustice and advocate for our daughter. We have faced people's criticism, hurtful words and even their negative opinions with alot of grace but with more fire than ever before to do well at whatever it is we do together.
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By day, we are truly a force to be reckoned with. He is the love of my life and he drives me absolutely, insanely crazy. There are days I am overly annoyed by everything he does but I cannot tell you the feelings I get when I see him across our yard or when I hear him pray with one of our children. I cannot explain the kind of passion I hold for him when he whispers in Mabel's ear. I cannot possibly make you understand that I love this man with every fiber in my entire being.
If I would have known all that this life would hand us before it did, I would have said yes anyway. I would have married him, moved across the country with him, sent him to war twice, had 3 babies in 4 years with him, rode the awful. shaky. ugly diagnosis train with him ten million times if that's what it was going to take to make me understand that this life was meant to be shared with
[him]. All of it.
-The good and The bad and The ugly.-
He has always been and always will be worth it to me.
Now here we are raising a baby whose life is precious but who will probably visit eternity long before he or I will and in the midst of it, I feel a greater calling to be a better wife. I feel a greater desire to know that when I look at him from across the room that he understands my heart and rest in the assurance that I know his as well. Here we are, grown adults clinging to one another in the middle of an otherwise normal night begging God to not let us miss our baby. Rocking together in fetal positions as we hash out the truth of what our future together holds.
Not the plans we made long ago. You know the ones that look like "when our kids are grown, THEN we will have time for us. THEN we will plan vacations and THEN we will not have debt." Our plans for our future have changed. Now we just pray that our grief won't swallow us and that we might recognize each other at the end of it all; when we climb out of the dark tunnel that we are going to have to inevitably walk through.
He is so strong for me but he is her dad too. And if you will, please pray for him as you do for me. He is hurting and he needs divine strength. It doesn't go away; it's here with us every day. He may look ok, he may appear strong...but he is tired and sad too. He feels guilt too. He is a good man and a good dad and he needs our God to continue to pour into him each and every day.
[thanks for praying us through.]
--
Jeni: Thank you for spending today with me. I love talking with you about life and love. I hope that in it all you can truly see that it is all worth it. The hurt, the forgiveness, the fears, the trust. It's all worth it. Because in the 11 years that I have loved him he has been there for me every time I have needed him. And now as we walk this road together I can assure you that he also would have said yes had he have known the kind of hurt we would endure; because at least we were doing it together. He is my greatest friend and in all things we have trusted God above each other. That way, when one of us falls short or fails the other, we can still stand on the foundation that bound us in the beginning. Your life journey is just beginning, babe. Hang tight and enjoy the ride.
I love you.
4 comments:
Brilliant and beautiful, Ramee.
http://www.proverbs31.org/
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Ramee you are this woman. I pray for you, your sisters in Christ that we can all be this wife. I also pray for Daniel. May God give him the strength and wisdom to lead his family. Love you guys.
Ramee--I was reading through your blog and stumbled on this entry. This one, in particular, made me cry. It is a beautiful post and so very true. Sometimes we forget about the husbands and fathers but they are also in deep pain. The hardest times for me is when my husband cries. It breaks my heart all over again. Thank you for sharing.
Absolutely beautiful. Will be praying for you both. Your post really moved me.
Emily
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