Wednesday, November 28, 2012

be more.

Today has been that kind of day with her.  The kind of day where she is wrapped in me and I am in her.  We are one, bonded at the hip instead of the womb although lately I wish I could tuck her away once again and protect her from this life.

It is seldom that I have a hard time writing.  I don't know if I've ever truly experienced a 'writer's block.'  But this week the words just feel like they fall short in all of the happenings that are my day to day.  
Rache gave me a great quote from Hemingway on the back of my new typewriter wall hanging.  
"There is nothing to writing.  All you do is sit at a typewriter and bleed."

I find myself coming here time after time and bleeding all over the keys at my fingertips.  I write anything and everything that is in my mind or trapped in my heart.  What I find sad and so binding is that others don't have the same ability.  It's not as if they don't have much to say.  In fact, everyone is hurting and everyone has a story to tell.  It's that they are chained by the affliction and fears of others.  

There is a support group for Batten's parents and I am so grateful for the people that I share this journey with.  However, even in this there is a need for apology after a statement that we believe in or more importantly is true. We are afraid of offending.  We are afraid of disagreements or opinions that aren't like ours.  It weighs heavy on our minds and although I believe we should always go back to the childhood theory of 'think before you speak,' I also believe that we should be able to live in total authenticity.  I believe we should be able to talk about life as it is and death as it may come.  I believe we should be able to confront our fears and face them head on.  I believe we should be able to express to one another the things that drive us mad crazy and express the kind of love that drives us mad passionately.  In a society where it feels like everyone says everything I am noticing more and more that we're saying a whole lot of nothing.  Nothing with meaning or truth or depth.  
Maybe the progression of my ability to speak openly is the result of something that others haven't experienced.  Or maybe it's because I've met a God in the middle of my living room who ripped my heart open I realized that the measure I must take to serve Him is to do exactly this.  
Exactly what I do here every single day.

There is no need to find a filter between what I want to say and what I think I should say.  Today, Mabel has cried so hard and so long that I could have lost my mind.  Truly.  The pitch at which she takes her voice to let out her shrill scream is gut wrenching and time stopping-literally.  Some may think that makes me sound like a mom who isn't compassionate or patient with her child but the truth is, I am just that.  Only with the truth pushing through.  
Patient and Impatient can go hand in hand.  They do every day.
Love and anger sometimes go hand in hand.
Pain and Joy often go hand in hand.

I know many who would disagree but it doesn't matter.  Not to me, not here.  
The truth is that this life without all of it sprinkled together would kill me.  It would literally kill me.  I have learned to quite enjoy the bad with the good.  I have also learned to talk about and embrace both.
And it has saved me to do so.
My hope for you today is that you would be real enough with yourself to be true to who you are.  I pray that you would say something bold and extravagant to someone and walk away shaking your shoulders in freedom.  There is something completely vigorous about speaking truth whether from your lips or your fingertips.  It's a delicate life but at least protect it with the honor of being authentic.  

I was reminded today to "be more."
That's my wish for you as well.
Just be more.


Rose said...


What a great post. You have inspired me to say something bold. I posted a post called "Raw Feelings on the Table" today and I know I did not speak my mind to the people themselves, but I do feel a lot better now that I have posted how I feel on my blog.

Thank you for the inspiration. I love your blog BTW :]

Monique said...

Wow, I could not agree with you more. I really enjoy your blog. You write from the heart and it shows.