Monday, December 24, 2012

merry & bright.

This morning the alarm clock better known as Mabel went off at 7:30 am.  I reluctantly crawled out of Nora's warm bed and made my way to her room.  I ended up in Nora's room after Braden ended up in mine  and I realized that sometime in the night daddy came home from work early.  We were 4 deep in a queen sized bed for one night too many and my back was screaming.
 Mabel and I walked downstairs and as I always do, I began opening curtains, turning on lights, making coffee, making a bottle, letting the dog out and snuggling my girl.

I looked around this morning at our decorated home and wished that Christmas day would hold off just a little while longer.  
 This season  has been hard.  My emotions come to a head and anxiety lets loose.  It's difficult because Christmas brings alot of emotional value to our lives. 
I want the kids to have a good Christmas.
I want daddy to be home this year for Christmas.
I don't want to fight on Christmas.
I hope she doesn't die before Christmas.
Will this be her last Christmas?
 I don't know why the pressure has to be there on this day but it inevitably is.
So this morning as I walked through the house I snapped photos of everything as it was.  I want to remember this peaceful morning.  Just she and I, up early alone.

She is seizing.  Quite a bit, actually.
I could have guessed that she would start having judged from the last couple of days.  She is still crying but I caught her for a few minutes of happy.  All I can do is pray that we get through the next few days with some grace so that I can stop biting my nails, eating too much food and maybe relax.
 Back to the house--
It looks gorgeous.  We have so many Christmas cards, none of which I want to take down.  In fact, I may not.  There are lights and sparkles and glitter everywhere and every day that we wake up it just feels magical.  The house is drafty, yet somehow it feels incredibly warm.   
 It's 8:45 and I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee.
Santa's coming tonight, after all.

There is still last minute wrapping to do and the kids are looking forward to a day of cookie baking for Mrs. Clause's darling husband.
 On this Christmas Eve, I'm reflecting hard on the One who we celebrate.
I long to be in His presence at all times, in all things but especially now I am thankful to know Him.  This God of life came and breathed our air.  He created the world and walked in it, and through it.  He is majestic and powerful and knows all things and yet He wanted to be beside us; you and me.  
 The traditions we have started in this home, although they are special and important, are not nearly as vital to  us as is ensuring that our children know Jesus.  

They do, and in incredibly deep ways.  They have insight that is beyond their years and a hope in Heaven that will carry them through some very hard days.  They are just small children and indeed, they act like it, but I believe as we continue to teach them who God is in all things, they will continue to grow and know Him deeply.
 Tonight we will begin opening gifts with our family and will continue to do so over the next day.  We will eat food, laugh and most likely cry a little (or a lot, depending on the day.)
As we hold tight to one another and soak each other in, I know that we will all remember the reason for doing so.  I also know that this family has grown together in ways that often go unspoken but I am thankful.  We are incredibly blessed.

When I reflect back on last year's Christmas I remember a time of uncertainty and sadness.  Mabel still had no diagnosis and her symptoms were progressively getting worse.  I was in a time of panic and grief.  This year brought a diagnosis; a terrible, life altering, unfair predictor of our future yet with it came peace.  

This year as peace was ushered in on the back of a terminal brain disease, God revealed Himself to me and many others in our lives.  
He always brings reason to celebrate Him.  And this year, that is what I fully plan to do. 
Merry Christmas Eve.
May your day be merry and bright.

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