Wednesday, February 13, 2013

starting lent.

This morning I began reading about Lent.  The season is upon us and I am always humbled to know that in my life there is so much I could sacrifice or give up during a time when I am supposed to deny self.  

Sometimes I look at Mabel and I see all that she has 'given up.'  She doesn't know it and wouldn't comprehend it but ultimately her life here is different than those of us around her.  I feel like she is the greatest example of denying self in order to let her spirit and soul come through. 
 Throughout my days I often think about Jesus.  I think about the man He was and the Savior that He is.  But mostly I think about the emotions that He faced while living on this earth.  I can relate to Him.  I can see Him in the garden, hours before His coming death and I can picture His body; strong and able.  I can almost audibly hear Him crying out as the blood-filled sweat dripped from His pores.  Even Jesus wanted what was coming to be taken from Him, if it was the will of God.  

But even Jesus eventually surrendered and accepted that it was not to be.  He would, in fact, have to endure tragic loss of self in order to reach others and ultimately save them.  I see myself in Him.  
There have been moments of pleading with God in which I have felt like I could have cried tears and that blood would fall from the clenches of my teeth.  I would curl my little body up so tightly and pound the floor with such strength that eventually the release inevitably came.  

There in those moments when I would unravel myself from the cries and settle into the rhythm of my own breathing, I came to understand that I had surrendered to God and to His plan, no matter what the cost.  And time and time again I drew strength from those moments when I allowed myself the time to meet with Him.   
  I often wonder how difficult it must be for such a perfect soul to be wrapped in a body like Mabel's.  I know she doesn't feel those things and I'm so thankful.  I hate the suffering that I see in children who are competent enough to explain the unending struggles that they face.  But I can't help but wonder how deeply a soul longs for their Maker when their body does nothing but cause chaos and disarray.  

My body is strong, able, settled and healthy and I long for Him.  
I would deny everything in this life in order to meet with Him.  I am literally so desperate for Him that I cannot fully engage here without constantly thinking about His beauty and His plan.  My soul longs for Jesus and I am grateful that I can sense Him and feel Him near.  

Lent is a season that is good for reminding us that above all we should focus on Him.  
And not only during this time but always.  I want to be perfectly clear here--I truly believe that if I didn't love Jesus more than I love myself, this family, or my life here on earth-I would never be able to walk in the peace that I can.  So during this time I am purposing to let go of some things that are less important in my life and devote more time in seeking the One who gives in abundance.  

He is oh so good and I hope He is always reflected in me and all that I set out to do.

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