Tuesday, April 16, 2013

necessary today and always.

We have a 'friend' named Sophia.  She is younger than Mabel and has an unspecified type of NCL just like our girl.  She has been in the hospital for over two weeks battling issues with her kidneys, severe seizures and new jerks in her body.  2 nights ago, Sophia's heart stopped beating and as of yesterday she was on the ventilator.  Today they will try to extubate her.  This family needs your prayers.
 Over the last couple of days there have been changes in Mabel too.  She is happy but secreting alot more than usual.  Her urine {and breath}  have a strong, distinct odor to it so we are checking today for some type of infection.  She has been more jerky than ever before and I can't tie it to one thing or another.  I noticed that what I was feeling must be true when I saw Heidi taking guard over her several times throughout the week.  Who know wiener dogs were seizure dogs after all?
 I woke up crying yesterday.  
I had bad dreams and woke up with tears already on my cheeks.  The day ahead already seemed so big; so overwhelming.  And then-her cry for me gave me the strength to rise and face it all.  I walked into her room and nestled in beside her.  I looked first at her eyelashes and was struck by their length, thickness and over all beauty.  I rubbed my fingers through her hair and felt each strand as it wisped through my fingers.  It is so thin now and it's texture isn't course like I thought it might end up being.  Instead it flows freely but falls out easily.  I moved in closer and pressed my cheek to her heart.  I felt it beating and listened closely; intently.  
"Thank you God for letting it beat today." 
 As I cried, she laughed.  
As always.
And then I couldn't help but do the same.  Her body is constantly jerking, she cannot swallow, she hits herself in the face time and time again and doesn't even know it, she has stinky pee, she can't see and yet...
She wakes up laughing.

And then I prayed,
 "Lord let me be clothed in strength and dignity.  Help me to be able to laugh at the days to come..." {proverbs 31:25}
 Yesterday's tragedy in Boston helped me remember all of the ways that people endure things far worse than I do.  It's conflicting when you find perspective in such a horrific event.  I know that what I'm facing is heavy and is hard but I also know the One who has it all planned and perfected already.  I know the giver of life who has a purpose beyond my understanding for everything that I encounter.  
And I can rest in it amidst the pain, chaos and sadness that the days sometimes bring.  

It was said on the news that the little boy that was killed by yesterday's explosion had just made his first communion on Sunday and had been so excited to be with Jesus.  
The premonitions of children are often incredible, aren't they?
 I am so thankful that I have been prepared for days of uncertainty.  
God took me on a life journey over the past two years that taught me so many of the deep lessons that I will need for the rest of my life.  I am just blessed enough to have learned them at the young age of 28 and not later.  I now have the assurance that whatever may come and no matter how difficult it may seem, it truly is all going to be ok.  This life, this blip in time, is nothing compared to the eternity that the Lord has planned for us.  There is uncertainty everywhere.  There is change happening constantly.  Some of it is treacherous.  Some of it is inevitable.  Some of it is expected and wonderful.  
But absolutely all of it is necessary.   
Today I'm leaning on this verse:
"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward."
Hebrews 10:35

There is confidence in the Lord.  There is confidence in the changes.  There is confidence in this life but only because He gave it.  There is confidence in the shelter of the Almighty.  
And that is exactly where I dwell today and always.  

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