Monday, May 20, 2013

It is good.

I know it's been quiet here.  
It's actually quite reflective of my heart, spirit, my mind and my life in general.  There is a lot of quiet.  There is no worrying, no reflecting, no analyzing, no deep thinking, no conflicted or loud emotions.  
There is just quiet.  And it is good.
 In the last 13 weeks I have set serious boundaries for myself and for my life moving forward.  Those boundaries include conscious quiet.  Some of them include a very stern answer of simply, No.  I have learned and am learning that these boundaries help eliminate people and situations from life that may otherwise be hurtful, distracting and draining.  
I've been drained long enough and now it is time to rise up and put a stop to it.
 This door that has always been open is sometimes closed and it is good.
Conversations that I would usually divulge in have been stopped.  Where emotions have been removed, practicality has taken their place.  
I have realized that I can still very much give all of who I am to situations and people in my life without sacrificing some of myself in the process.  And it is good.  

I've made a relevant decision to invite deep privacy in my life.  Although I have always been very careful what I share here or anywhere, I am allowing myself to go even deeper into a place that is bringing a whole lot of clarity.  It's necessary to grow, to evolve and I'm enjoying the process of doing so.  
 Last year our private beach set us free.  Many days were spent on the sand of our little beach before the days of Mabel's diagnosis.  Before the call ever came I felt myself move into a happy and content state of being rather than a place of deep grief like the months before.  
Kids splashed and sand heated our toes and we let the sun heal us.  
 Yesterday morning Steve's text came through reading, 
"I have the point key.  Just saying."

And I knew what he was saying.
 Other texts were sent quickly.
The van was packed with chairs, blankets, snacks, towels, sunscreen, hats, magazines, sunglasses and many children. 
And we were on our way.  
 It felt as if we never left.  
It felt as if nothing could separate us from our muddy paradise; not a terminal diagnosis, not a terminal marriage, not anything.  We turned on our music, opened our books and laughed at all things inappropriate.  We indulged in one another's laughter and watched as Uncle Stevie played with children who so desperately love him and feel comforted by his presence.  

 Summer has come.
It has come following a winter that was bitter and yet so very sweet.  
I am writing it here, not for convincing but for my own recollection.
I am happier than I have been in such a very long time.

If I went searching for it inside of myself, sadness could not be found.  If I went digging for it, there would be no sign of worry or anguish.  If I tried to pull out anger or bitterness, I would come up empty.
All I feel, truly, is the heat of the orange sun and the prospect of a beautiful future, full.

 Our beach reminds me that things change and often drastically and abruptly.  But it also reminds me that there are constants in this life.  There are relationships and friendships that are built and are steady.  They serve a purpose forever and grow, flourish and strengthen you.  These relationships are often easy.  And even if there are times when they aren't, they are at least easily mended, forgiven and cause a lightness about you.  They bring addition to your life and help you in the steadiness that is necessary.  

There are also relationships that do not.  These are the relationships that require boundaries.  A firm "no."  These relationships cause fluctuation in you.  They cause untruth and rather than being light or easy, they cause a heaviness and a burden.  I have learned that although forgiving is essential, that doesn't mean that mending is always ideal.  In fact, it is absolutely necessary to know when it is not best and move on with confidence in those choices.  This year some friendships were cut off in the midst of a storm that ended up being the very best trauma of my life.  I have never been more thankful for the ability to say 'forgive' in my heart yet 'forget' in my life.  

It is not hard, harsh or cruel to say that for yourself.  In fact it's a beautiful gift to get to a place where you can at last be free enough to know it's essential.  
 I looked around at the children laughing, my Mabel girl jerking, my friends relaxing and a beautiful eagle flying above and I literally knew that this moment was as perfect as it could get.  It was exactly where we were all meant to be for this Sunday afternoon and nothing in the world could convince me otherwise.  
 Where there is peace, there is true peace.  
Don't ever question it.  Don't ever analyze it.  
Just be in it; I mean fall deep into it and accept that moment when all is right in the world.   
 I have had several people write to me lately to encourage me in this new season of my life.  Your emails are so lovely.  Some of you feel conflicted for me, not understanding why all of this has transpired in my life.  And although I understand the conflict, let me assure you:
Inside of myself, there is no contention.

I am not questioning any of it.
I spent far too long doing that before Mabel's diagnosis and I don't want to spend any more time deep inside of myself questioning this life when instead I can be living it.  And I'm certainly not going to let someone else's choices affect my outlook or my days because sometimes it is as simple as this:
People make choices and they are allowed to do so.

Friends, parents, spouses, or siblings are not exempt from hurting us deeply.  In fact they have the ability to change our lives more dramatically than anyone else could.  But they do not have the power to alter our true self. 
My true self?
Happy.  Naturally content.  Peaceful.  
I don't over analyze.  I have very little regret.  I feel empowered by my choices.
And some people mesh well with who I am.
Some apparently do not.
And I'm ok with that.

Situations don't make me happy or unhappy. 
'Things' don't affect my ability to function.  
People don't alter my ability to make decisions.
I am more practical than emotional.

And I refuse to look back and question much about my prior days.
Because I have beautiful ones ahead, after all.

So the beach gave me a sense of contentment yesterday and I look forward to many more days just like this one throughout our summer.  A place lined with little feet, clarity and a whole lot of true love is exactly the kind of place where I want to spend my days.
Summer days on our beach are sure to bring promise, fulfillment and a whole lot of happy.
What more can one really ask for?
Life is oh. so. good.


Andy and Jenni said...

...the heat of the orange sun and the prospect of a beautiful future, full...
Wow. Beautiful.
I'm so glad things are good for you!

Tina said...

So much wisdom and beauty here, Ramee.