Monday, January 20, 2014

.all we need.

I feel so angry for my children.
I look in their eyes and I see an innocence that is absent; their naive characteristics ripped away.  I haven't over analyzed them or made our situation out to be more than what it is.  Because to be perfectly honest I don't have to.  It's bad enough.
It has almost been an entire year since their dad left our home, and yet, not a day goes by that I don't see the ramifications of that choice imprinted on their hearts.  It is so devastating for me to think about that most of the time I just cannot.  But then there are moments when I can't help but face it and deal with it head on.  Moments when my 7 year old's body is curled up inside of my arms, shaking and shrieking in a cry that I haven't heard before.  She speaks things that adult women say.
"I'm feeling so emotional and I don't know why."
"My heart has been broken and it won't ever be the same."
She's very wise and it's very unfair. 
In some ways I've stopped sugar coating the truth for her.  I have let her feel the pain and yet hollowed out a place where I pray she feels safe and secure in doing so.  I held her restless body and ran my fingers through her long, thick hair and I reassured her that her heart will heal.  It probably won't ever feel the exact same as it once did because things are different, but life does change and with change some beautiful things can happen if we just allow them to. 
Out of sadness usually comes joy.
Out of heartache usually comes love.
Out of suffering usually comes growth.

I tell her how very much I love her.  I tell her that I'll always be here and that she should feel free to take out her sadness, anger and confusion on me because that will never change how deeply I care about her.  I tell her I will never keep anything from her.  I tell her that she is the absolute most important thing in my entire life. 
I pray that she feels hope in those things and comfort in my arms. 
I don't know how else to help her.  
Later in the week while Nora stayed at Nanny's, Braden had a chance to sleep with me.  We spent some much needed time alone.  When he woke, right away, I noticed tears in his eyes.  He said that he was wondering exactly why Stevie and Connor went to Heaven and that he was feeling sad about it.  I explained to him that they went to Heaven because they couldn't breathe well; because their brains were kind of sick and couldn't tell the rest of their body to work properly.  I could tell he understood.
A second later he started to really cry telling me how he didn't want Mabel to go to Heaven but that if God wanted her that it was ok, he would always love her.  He would miss her but he understands that God has a reason for taking her. 
Without me telling him so, he made the connection.
He knows she's sick.  
I told him how proud of him I am.  I told him what a great big heart he has and how happy that makes me, and especially God.  I reassured him that if mommy knew that Mabel was getting sicker I would tell him; that I'm never going to keep anything from he or Nora when it comes to their sister or anything for that matter.  He hugged me and stayed close.  He is far too little to have such big worries.
And that alone is what I should be pulling them through. 
In an ideal situation I should only be ushering my children through a time of confusion and sadness over the inevitable decline of their sister's health.  They are getting older and understanding more every day.  And just as they are doing that, she isn't.  She isn't growing, changing, learning, or doing anything new.  She is only going to get worse and they know that now.
And it infuriates me.

It infuriates me that on top of such an unfair, impending loss they had to deal with the loss of someone who made the conscious choice to leave.  I have never been more appalled at some one's behavior in my entire life.  And I haven't spoken much about it here, or anywhere for that matter but to be honest, it's just enough. 

He may not have to, but I have to look into the eyes of my beautiful children every day.  I see the sparkle that was once so evident dimmed slightly by the mark of a man who was supposed to protect them  no matter what.  I know it happens all the time.  I know that people walk away and families are destroyed every day. 
But I also know that in the wake of something so tragic growing more apparent every day in their lives, they just needed a place to feel that without the constant fear of more loss. 
Because once you have felt pain like that it never goes away; the anxiety of the understanding it brings is constant.  It's horrifying, even for me in a new relationship, to think about it ending and me having to walk back through the grief of someone that I care so desperately for.  So I cannot imagine the big, monstrous, looming fear that my children face every day-not only for the loss of their sister but the loss of anyone else in their lives who they think they can trust, and should be able to.
It's the most shameful and disgusting thing to have to be a part of. 
I have never been more mortified and sickened.
But all of those emotions aside, I am praying that God would continue to help me be meek for my children.  That my heart would stay ripe and open for them and I can always meet them exactly where they are.  Quite honestly, there is no one else here to do that for them and it is important that I stay mindful of myself. 
I have forgiven and let go of my own hurt surrounding the situation.  I have moved forward.  I am happy and content in a way that I haven't ever felt before.
But I am more than angry for Nora and Braden and the unfair hand that they have been dealt in this life.  I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to let that go. 
I somehow find comfort in knowing that our God is an angry God for us as well.  He is jealous and forceful for our hearts.  And I believe that as their mother, there probably isn't any other way to describe what I feel than that.
Inside a home where my beautiful Mabel's life is a battle every day, it really is no different for my other two now-only in much different ways. 
I have never seen or felt such heartache. 
And that is why I am forever thankful for a God of comfort who promises to never walk away.  He is always with us and will never leave.  He is good and faithful. 
And I pray that I can show them that He is truly all we need. 

1 comment:

Patty said...

Wondering if the children see their father. I'm sorry it has been difficult for them. No child should have to go through this