Wednesday, February 5, 2014

ups and downs of who we are.

It's been a peculiar week for me emotionally. 
Some highs.  Some lows.  Some very odd "I don't knows." 
What is bothersome to me is the in between moments when I have no idea what I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it.  I see so much of that in my oldest girl too.  And it's heartbreaking.  If I can't make sense of my own emotions how could I possibly expect her to try?  
Today Mabel cried a lot.  Her color was off.  She drooled a lot.  But she giggled this deep giggle when I smelled her toes, which smelled amazing by the way.  There is nothing more in this world that I could want than to be able to memorize her.  The every detail of her little body.  She is the most stunning creation and I adore her. 
All of them. 
The details of them are so uniquely placed between the ups and downs of who I am.  Sometimes I have to look only at the details because the rest feels too overwhelming.
The house.  The alone.  The quiet. 
Some days, it's all too sad.  Too much.  Too desperate.  Too overwhelming.
I don't want to be alone forever.  I don't deserve to be.  I feel sad for myself and for them.  Some days it's dark and it's dangerous to dwell there.
So as always, I seek out the details.  Light lives there.  
They're so little.  They're so strange. 
They're so funny and captivating.  They are innocent and real.  Authentic and faithful.  They are learning, growing, changing, shifting, and yet they are oh so dependent on me. 

I find myself in a delicate balance in most areas of my life.
I seek consistency, strength, diligence and yet I long for playfulness, escape, chaos. 
I want to be steady and stable and yet my soul is attracted to all of the things that are unique about this life; things that make my heart rumble and my feet quicken. 
I'm feeling torn between past and present.  Present and future. 
There are just so many emotions that fill my days and often it's too overwhelming to face any of them.  Yet this week I feel strangely out of sorts.  Lots of crying with no real reason and a lot of feeling weird about everything.  I can't pinpoint why; not sure of the core problem.  Likely there isn't one. 
Sometimes it's just hard to be in this head.  In this home. 
Sometimes there is just so much that cannot be compartmentalized any longer and everything spills into everywhere after a long time of being neatly tucked away. 
And that's exhausting in itself. 
I'm trying to move forward.  To not live in turmoil, resentment, or any of the ungodly characteristics that I've been naturally inclined to feel over the past year.  Instead, I'm trying very consciously to move forward with peace, purpose and conviction. 
Not only for my own heart, but especially for theirs. 

They are all together, smiling.
The house smells good, we are warm.
Friends gather, handsome man embraces. 
Baths are given, dinner is eaten.
Prayers are said, lunches are packed.
Snuggles between brother and sisters frequent my camera's shutter. 
In the day to day, in our ups and downs-
It all gets quickly swept up and washed away in a single moment of orchestrated calm. 

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