Friday, April 11, 2014

changes. [moving...forward]

Change, I have found, is good. 
It's perplexing.  It's pulling.  It's humbling and rugged and downright hard sometimes. 
But it's good. 
It betters us.  Shapes us up.  Hollows us out and starts us anew.  Change, I have found, can be so good.
About a month ago Nora came to me and expressed that she was unhappy in our house.  Although we talked about the fact that our home held many, many good memories, she was persistent in the fact that it's walls just held too many sad ones for her heart.  In a very mature and wise way, my little girl was telling me that her own home was no longer a safe place; a shelter for her, but more like a harbor of anxiety and distress.  Before long, I heard her brother confirming these same feelings.
It only took that one conversation for me to know what needed to happen for my children and with that, I quickly decided, that no matter what comes in the future, for this very moment I needed to help my children feel emotionally secure once again. 
So over this past week, I spent the days packing up only the things in our home that were essential to our lives and the kids and I have officially moved.  I decided to minimize our "things" in hopes of maximizing our life.  I decided that any and every 'thing' that may hold a tainted memory for my kids was not necessarily a good item to move with us.  I decided that we are moving on, moving forward and starting fresh. 
But really, I didn't decide those things at all.  My little girl did and I'm so thankful.  She gave me permission to act on an urge that I had been feeling for some time now.  But rather than act impulsively, I am so thankful that I waited until I knew both kids were really ready for such a big change. 
"Thank you for moving us to this new house, mommy," she said this morning before school. 
"Take our picture while we work on the new house, mommy," she said yesterday after school.
And that smile.  It's one that I haven't seen for over a year.  It's a genuine smile of contentment and childhood.  She is happy and I am happy. 
Finally I can see my little girl again, through and through.  Her eyes shine brightly like they once did and they are excited at the idea of days to come.  She has neighbor friends and a house that fits our every need.  Nora is going to be ok and this week confirmed it in me deeply.  I am so proud of this little girl for being able to express her needs so articulately.
For more than a year Nora's life has been completely out of her control; all of ours actually.  And for the first time in a very long time it feels so good to have made a decision for myself and for them that was MINE to make.  And I can see that it was important for her too.  She expressed her need for something and then I made that something happen.  We took the reigns of our life and pulled them in the direction we wanted to go...and then I kicked that horse so hard in the side and we galloped forward quickly toward a change that is positive and right.  This is a change that we needed. 
It was time and we all felt it. 
Today while the kids were in school Mabel and I sat in the yard that now holds our every day view.  I looked out at her with tears in my eyes and choked back the knot in my throat. 
Despite it all; a horrible diagnosis, a husband & father leaving, a home that once held our family being left behind...despite all of that, I AM SO HAPPY.
The sun was shining and my girl's cheeks were glowing red.  She tapped on the quilt next to me as my best friend and I shared a picnic lunch with her two blonde haired, healthy boys running beside us.  I just cannot believe how rich and abundant my life is.  It's almost overwhelming to think of all the beauty that it contains. 
 I could have never imagined the twists and turns that my life would take to bring me to this moment, this day.  I could never have imagined how good it all could be.  In the darkest and most saddest moments of my life, I would have never dreamed that this was what was awaiting me. 
The love that surrounds me every day is remarkable. 
There is joy and laughter.  Contentment and ease.  There are friendships and romance, children and dancing.  There is so much good in my days. 
And now, we are in a home that will help mold and shape new memories for our family. 
Things may look different than they once did but we are here together and it all feels very much like a clean start; a new beginning.  I can sense a change in my children's spirits and a lightness in their behavior.  They are genuinely happy and I have longed to see that and feel that for so long. 
It has all been sealed and confirmed this week as we have entered into a new phase of our lives; the beginning of a chapter that I believe will be a great reward in this story that has been very devastating at times. 
All of the turmoil and stress that our old house held did not follow us here. 
We are leaving it behind.  We are moving along to celebrate the beauty in each of our present days and the day to come.  We have a gift here; the chance to start again. 
And I will do that for them.  They are oh so worth it.
There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel.  And although there may be darker days ahead [inevitably for all of us], for today, there was no darkness.  There was only massive amounts of playing, laughing, walking, && loving. 
This week was a good week.  This day was a good day. 
And that is the only thing in this entire world that truly matters.


Tracy said...

Yay YOU! You are an amazing writer. I wish you the best, you all deserve it.

Karren said...

I have been following your blog for a while now... (Sorry I don't comment often!) and it made me smile to read this post from you. I pray for your little family, and I hope this change will do your hearts good. Also hope your little ones will continue smiling now. :-)


Unknown said...

I'm so happy for you & your family! Your children's happy faces are priceless. Enjoy your new home.
I continue to pray for you all.

Darlene said...

I am so very happy for you, for the kids for your new life!!! A place to make new and important memories for each of you. A home to bring you all much happiness!! You are so deserving of it all!! Sending love and hugs!