When Ramee invited us to blog on motherhood, I thought: “There’s so much to say! How will I know where to start?”
Well…let’s start with an introduction! My name is Carolyn. I’m in my mid-30’s, and I’ve been friends
with Ramee for three years now. Our
friendship started when I decided to bring the Larsons dinner on Thursday
evenings. Dropping off turned into
visits, and during those visits we became friends.
I became "Mommy" in 2005,
and again in 2007. I loved carrying those babies in my belly. I
loved feeling them move, hiccup, stretch...I loved it all. When I held
them in my arms for the very first time, I knew God had given me the very most
precious gift and assigned me the most important role of my life.
In 2005, I
dreamed about the future. I dreamed about a white house with a white
picket fence, becoming a tenured teacher, raising the perfect family,
celebrating many anniversaries with my husband, volunteering for 4H &
baseball & boy scouts & church & anything my kids did, all
complete with the perfect family dog.
Do not be
fooled. Although this isn’t life as I
dreamed it would be…we are blessed. We
are happy. We are thriving.
And we are living.
These boys,
this dog and I…we are figuring it out as we go, and we are loving this journey.
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Right now, at
this moment, we are in baseball mode. When
our world abruptly changed last year, Colin asked me if he’d ever have a parent
coach his baseball team again. This was
a big concern for him. So…I signed up to
coach. And I invited the boys’ dad to
join me. And along with three other
awesome dads…we have the coaching staff equivalent to a major league baseball team. Okay, maybe not. But we love the game, enjoy these kids, we
have fun…and I’m showing my boys that life goes on.
I’ve learned a
lot of lessons in these past few months, after becoming what society dubs a
“single mom” again.
[Please note: I don’t
do this alone. My parents are great, my
brother jumps in when asked, and my boys have a great dad and
soon-to-be-stepmom. I
feel completely supported in this journey.]
A few of our lessons are worthy of sharing with you…whether you are a
single – married – expecting – or otherwise – “Mom”:
You
can have the plan in your head. You can stew
over and edit that plan, love that plan, and brag about that plan. But being able to divert from that plan is
when you will find happiness. Plans
should be seen as guidelines. Don’t feel
like a failure if your plan changes. And
changes again.
Establish
traditions with your children. Take
prior traditions and adjust them to make them “yours” despite what changes life
brings. For us, it meant re-claiming our
tradition of visiting St. Louis. We
enjoyed some old favorites – The Zoo, The Magic House, Laclede’s Landing – and
added a new one – The Arch! We needed to
know that things we enjoyed when we were a bigger family didn’t have to be sad
or abandoned now that we were a smaller family unit. I would say that weekend was healing for me
and my boys. We truly became a family
again…we accepted the new definition life had given us.
Vacations
are cool. Don’t get me wrong. But vacations are stressful and
expensive. I have learned that my boys
are just as happy with several day-trips scattered over the course of a month –
or a weekend/overnight getaway – than they would be if we drove 18 hours straight
through to Disney and scrambled to fit everything in. I’ve also learned that they are just as happy
tent camping in the backyard – no change in zip code required.
Sometimes,
it’s okay to let the kids eat Lunchables for dinner. Okay, seriously though…I love to cook. It’s therapeutic for me, I’m good at it, and
I just love to do it. Probably the
biggest adjustment for me these past few months has been learning to cook less
for an army and more for just one.
Ha. The boys prefer “gourmet
wonders” like Spaghettios, PBJs, and mac and cheese. All of which Mommy hates. So I’ve learned to let them eat their food,
and I can create my definition of good food, and bless a friend with it or else
feed myself for the next few meals.
Either way… letting them eat what they will and me eating what I want
never hurt anyone (contrary to my prior beliefs). I know super moms everywhere are cringing…but
I don’t really care to battle it out.
This works for us, so it’s what we do.
You shouldn’t feel guilty if you do the same!
Putting
a table in my kitchen was the best move I ever made. It’s just a small breakfast bar with two
stools, but it allows the boys to sit and gab with me while I make dinner, do
dishes, and clean. Our kitchen seems to
be the room in our house where we gather most.
[Well, except for the bathroom…where they seem to THINK there is a
reason for us to all gather as I shower or go potty. The joys of motherhood, folks.]
Cleaning
can wait. [Let me preface with…I’m a
mediocre housekeeper. I go on cleaning
sprees…but maintaining is a struggle for me.]
My floors can be mopped, carpets vacuumed, dishes washed, laundry done
when they are in bed or at Daddy’s. But
you know what can’t happen? I can’t get
back the minutes, hours, days, years when I pushed them aside to do
housework. My mom had this poem on her
wall when I was growing up, and she truly lived by it. I’m now doing the same:
Excuse This House
Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly,
The signs are everywhere
For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges on the doors.
I should apologize, I guess,
For toys strewn on the floor.
But I sat down with the children
And we played and laughed and read.
And if the doorbell doesn't shine,
Their eyes will shine instead.
For when at times I'm forced to choose
The one job or the other,
I'd like to cook and clean and scrub,
But first I'll be a mother.
On
the weekends when the boys are with me – or during breaks off school – we swear
by Living Room Campouts. This means we
all drag our bedding downstairs…and the boys sometimes build a tent…and we put
in a movie (or sometimes several) and fall asleep in the living room
together. Such a simple little thing
brings my children true joy. And thus,
brings me joy.
Celebrate
things that matter to you. And to
them. My youngest son was one of the
first kids in his grade to complete addition and subtraction at school. About the same time, my oldest son hit the same
milestone. My boys certainly did not get
their math skills from me. So…we
celebrated! I took them out to dinner,
we ate ice cream, and we ran amuck at the park.
I told everyone along the way – from our server to the lady at the park
– about my brilliant boys and their mathematic abilities. We enjoyed our celebration immensely. Other things we have celebrated? Brushing our (i.e. their) teeth for one
straight week without reminders; Getting out the door on time; Completing AR
books; Getting special awards in Art class; Every-Day-Should-Be-Mother’s-Day
(this was my sweet Colin’s idea); Good report card grades; Mommy fits in her
“skinny jeans” (so we went out for ice cream); & many many more. To some, these may seem like silly, everyday occurrences. But after so much bad, we craved good. And so we made it.
Stop
rushing. Be present. {This really says it all, but I have learned
that if we are running late getting ready for church and my boy is close to a
meltdown, we can instead turn a church service on TV and sit in our living room
and worship. Or if we aren’t in bed
exactly by 8pm, the Earth won’t rip open and swallow us whole. Or if we had a really bad night and need to
get sleep to have a successful day, we should do so and then proceed. And phone calls and texts can wait. My kids need me now.}
While
money is a very necessary part of living life, no job should make me compromise
my very important role of Mom. No amount
of money or prestige could ever replace the importance of precious time with my
children. I’d rather go without now than
regret lost time down the road.
Find a
village. Plant your roots there. Allow them to see the good, the bad, and the
ugly. These women will be the ones who
will hopefully hold you up and defend you when you cannot, encourage you if
needed, and celebrate with you always.
You will do the same for them.
They will understand your “Autism days,” your fear of falling in love
again, will answer your texts at 1:45 in the morning after a bad dream, will
respond to a panicked phone call and pick you up off your kitchen floor, will defend
your honor, will tell your children to stop when they are misbehaving, will
come and celebrate a new year coming because they know how desperately you need
to look forward with them by your side, will come to your dad’s memorial
service when your own family doesn’t, will tell you when you aren’t making
smart choices, who understand why sometimes the only way you can communicate
with your children is by screaming and shrieking, will drive your kids to
school, and who get that you are tired/angry/ joyful/optimistic/sad/hopeful all
at once. A village is what we call our
friends. My village has literally helped
me survive these past few years.
Everyone needs a village. If you don’t
have one, pray for God to reveal one to you.
If you do have one, nurture it and take care of it.
Be a
Mother Warrior. NO ONE knows her child
like a mommy. Follow your
instincts. And know you don’t have to
justify your choices to anyone.
~~~
Motherhood is tough, ya’ll!
I have never experienced such joy and heartache ambiguously. And my heart has never felt more full. My life has purpose. I go to bed 90% of the time worrying that I’m
doing it all wrong. But each morning
with the sunrise, I welcome the new day and am grateful to be “Mommy.”
Happy Mother’s Day, fellow moms! You’re doing a great job.
Keep up the good work! :)
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