Wednesday, May 28, 2014

oh so full.

We have had the sweetest week. 
So many smiles, so much sunshine.  So very much to be thankful for.  But as I sit to type this morning, Mabel is screaming and thrashing beside me.  Our good days can quickly turn dramatically worse in an instant.  Time is so unpredictable. 
This morning I was reading about a family whose older daughter is losing her battle with Batten Disease.  There has been a rapid decline of her health in the last week and she is probably living her final days.  Her parents are strong, and brave but devastated.  In fact, the agony and sadness that I read through their words is palpable. 
They speak so vividly of "The Comforter," and how God is surrounding them during this time.  They write about how you can almost touch Him, His presence is so real.  I read with tears and let myself really feel for this family.  I allowed myself to tap back into it for a bit and recall that I, too, will be in need of the Comforter at some point because of this disease.  
I try to remind myself that it wouldn't truly matter if Mabel were sick or not.  Tragedy can strike at any time.  Nora and Braden appear healthy but we are not immune from the possibility of something terrible happening to them.  I look at them and I hope for and pray for long, durable, strong lives ahead but the truth is simple:
It's not promised to be so. 
Each and every day with these children and the people that we love is a gift.  An unearned, fleeting, gift.  This life is ours for the taking to soak up and divulge in.  It is not meant to be wallowed through.  We are not meant to just get by.  We are meant to live fully, feel deeply, experience much, learn, change, grow, evolve.  We are meant to seek God, love people and cling to the things that matter in our hearts.  
I am so tapped in to life; more so than ever before. 
I am feeding on the feel good moments and finding that they are not just sustaining me but genuinely fulfilling me. 
These children are incredible.  They are fun, funny, and so smart.  I love watching them interact with their friends, on their teams and in this home. 
We are finally enjoying so much time outside!  Between field trips, ballgames, neighbor kids in the yard, grilling out, and oh so long walks, we are all more than ready for bed at the end of the day. 
Our life is so full.  
I've always believed that when you feel so fully, you feel everything as such.  For instance, by feeling intense joy you also probably know intense pain.  Ferocious laughter often intertwines with deep, heavy cries.  Life is funny like that, simultaneously teaching us how to co exist in a world of black and white, good and evil, happy and sad.  We are meant to explore it all and I have truly found that when you do, you become more aware of who you are and who you are intended to be. 
Feeling everything allows for growth.  Growth allows for change. 
Change brings promise of all things beautiful and new. 
Today as I reflect on bare feet, quiet picnics with a perfect breeze, freckle faces, sun-kissed shoulders, hand holding on the patio, sweet snuggles and new words spoken...
I also hover in the other part of my reality which is draped with body jerks and shrill, hard screams, inconsolable, frustrated movements and an inevitable day of exhaustion ahead for all involved. 
But I'm embracing it and living in it. 
I no longer want to live through it or get by.  I want to just let it be.
It is what it is and what it is is a beautiful, untainted life. 
So rich and oh so full.  
Today would you pray for Nora?  She had a hard morning with lots of emotions and crying.
Also, for Mabel. 
And for me.
And also for Braden; he's home sick.
Ok, so pray for all of us?  We love you for it.  


Stephanie said...

I'm praying for you guys. <3

Paige said...

Your family is in my thoughts every day. Will say a little prayer for y'all. Sending lots of hugs from Georgia!