Saturday, May 27, 2017

Dear Kids, {2 years in Heaven.}

To all of the little people who I love so much...
...who are watching and waiting and listening for the right words to fill the empty spot so deep in your tummy on this day...

Some of you have asked me, "but why did God need Mabel back so soon?"
And I want you to know that God didn't NEED her back so soon.  He didn't NEED her back at all.
God doesn't NEED anyone.  
He is God, after all.  

He stands alone.  He can work alone.  He created the earth, and the animals and even us with absolutely no help--all alone!
He is God; King and ruler of ALL things and He most certainly doesn't need us to help Him along.  
Guys, all throughout your life there will be people who will say things like this to you because they are uncomfortable or maybe they don't know exactly what else to say in a situation like ours...
a situation where a baby never stopped being a baby, suffered through her entire childhood and eventually died.
But those people are wrong.  They are speaking in platitudes.  And mostly, those hold no truth.
 Not in my spirit.  Not biblically.
People say them because they feel there is moral weight behind a couple of words and that they may bring you comfort. 
But that's it.
 Here's what I believe and what I feel deep in my heart to be true...
[Please know, one day when you are older you will form your own opinions on what YOU think to be true based on what makes you feel peace and what brings you comfort.  You will do research and attend church and hear speakers and watch the world and observe all sorts of different practices and beliefs and based on all of that--you will come to a conclusion that makes you feel physically well and you will know that THAT is what you believe to be right.  And I will listen and support you in that, no matter what.]
....What I believe to be true is this:
Mabel Audrine Larson came to this earth, created by a good God to live the exact life that she lived...
  For the exact amount of time, in the exact perfect way.  
She did exactly what she was created to do.  She lived her life entirely from beginning to end.  
And she died.  

Because people do. 
They die.

But some will tell you that she was taken too soon.  Or that Heaven needed another angel.  Or that God needed her back.  Or that God will never give you more than you can handle. 
And frankly, that just isn't so.  
Who are we to say when a life has ended to soon?  Heaven, I know, is functioning just fine without any angels let alone another; the person we love.  And especially our girl-what great work is she going to do other than smile, tap and look beautiful in a pretty white bouncy seat at the throne?  I mean honestly.  And why in the world would God need her back?  He created her and sent her to earth and I don't think He said "on May 29th, 2015 I'm gonna need her back!  She has chores to do here!"  And as for the last one, despite what the religious zealots think:
every single thing that happens on this earth does not necessarily all happen because of God.
I want you to hear me here and not misunderstand what I'm saying.  Can purpose be found in everything that happens?  Yes.  But is there a reason for everything?  Not necessarily.  Because we live on earth and it's just called life and some times some things just happen.  

The last thing I want is for any of you to go through life thinking that every little bad thing that has gone on was handed to you by God himself because he thought you could handle it and you'll become stronger and better because of it.  Will you?  Likely.  Is He there with you in it and through it?  Yes!  But let life just be life and don't overthink it all and let it become this obsession that God is the doer and giver of ALLLLLL things.
Sometimes the worker at McDonald's is going to give you the wrong order of food, guys, and that's not because of God.  That's because they're human and this is life.
Do you get it?
  God doesn't make our pets sick 'because he knows we can handle it."
God doesn't let us be bullied on the playground "because he wants us to choose the higher path."
God doesn't DO these sort of things.  He is in them.  He is watching.  The Bible promises that He never leaves us.  But He is not a puppeteer in the sky just dangling strings over our lives and watching as we screw up, hit rock bottom, fight depression and sadness and sit around doing nothing but questioning Him.

I believe God can use ALL of these things, even a messed up order at McDonald's (if He so chooses) to draw us closer to Him, though.  I absolutely know that to be true.  

God sent Jesus so that we didn't have to sit around and worry about these things or believe really stupid one liners about life and death.  We have it so easy with a Savior who loves us, sees us, forgives us, cares for us, meets us and wants to be unified with us every day.  The Bible says that Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith.  That means that he has helped write a story that already came to completion when he died on the cross for us.  We don't have to suffer or endure anything in this world to WORK toward Heaven.  We simply have to live!  We only need to believe that Jesus died for us and choose to know that we will live with Him one day in Heaven.
And if we just do that, we will!
Easy peasy. 

God didn't make Mabel sick to test us or to watch how we would endure her suffering in order to know if we would be good enough to enter Heaven one day.  He made Mabel perfectly!  He created her in the image of Himself (it's in the book of Genesis) and in that I find such peace.
What does that tell us?
Well it tells me that she was indeed perfect.  She wasn't created faulty.  Her disease and sickness were not a mistake.  She was exactly and uniquely who she was supposed to be on this earth.  So if she died on May 29th, 2015, it is because that is when her life was fulfilled and complete and for no other reason than that!  She did all she was meant to do and lived SUCH a full life here.

 Can you comprehend that?  Maybe not yet.  But one day I hope that you do.
Because you are going to experience a lot of death in the years to come.  You are going to have friends and pets and grandparents and aunts or uncles or parents or siblings who die.
Because we all do.
We are humans and that means that one day we have to die.

And I just want you to remember that it's ok.
It hurts and it's awful and after the people we love die we are forever changed and that is haunting and painful and sickening and sometimes feels like the worst thing in the entire world.
But I believe the worst thing in the entire world is to NOT know these deep lessons.  To spend our days searching for platitudes that might fill a powerful void instead of knowing truth and depth and fullness of joy.
And to never feel true peace about life, love, or death.
That's far more sad, don't you agree?

What you had with Mabel...what we all had...was this rich and incredible love affair with someone on earth who was made just a little different than most of us are.
We got this awesome opportunity to fall in love with her spirit and not her voice or her words or even her actions.  We fell in love with the Heavenly side of a human!
And that is a great honor because most people will never ever experience what we did.
And you were part of that.  YOU were given that chance.

I believe with my entire heart that God DOES want you to go on and live in such a way that you never forget what it was like to love her.  Or to lose her.  Because even though you are so, so are so, so lucky to be able to know the depth of that kind of love, AND that kind of pain.
When the two go hand in hand inside of your spirit, you can move mountains.
I know, because we have.  We did.

And in this life, I believe you all will all continue to move them!
On this day, I decided to write to you because you are all still here.
You have all been watching me: your mommy, your 'aunt Ramee' to see how I am.  You're listening closely to my voice when I speak or to my cries when I'm sad to know if I'm really, truly ok.  You have been watching me to see if I will survive this; the loss of my baby, and if I will be the same or changed.
But guys, I'm watching you too.  And you are the reason I AM OK.  You are the reason I have and will survive this; the loss of OUR baby.  You are the reason that I am both the same and deeply changed.  Because I looked back on the photos of Mabel's life and all I see are moments of her surrounded by you.  Laughing at you, crying beside you, being held by you, taken care of by you.  You had her in the pool, at the zoo, at every ballgame, in bed, on a quilt, at the lake, on a boat....anywhere and everywhere you were, she was there too.  
{She still is, by the way.}

You loved Mabel so unconditionally.  You were the very greatest!
You have already been equipped with the ONLY tools you need to be a good human in this life, because you loved her so deeply. 

I see her with you in all of these moments and there is no way that I can't recognize that YOU are the strong ones here.  You have survived losing your life-mate and friend; sister and cousin.  You have been changed forever too.  The course of your little lives was changed when Mabel died just two years ago.  Who you were then and who you all are now is different than who you would have been had she not lived and died.  There isn't a day that passes that I don't recognize that. 

You give me such strength and courage.  If YOU can survive it...
If you can wake up and go to school, play sports, earn awards, visit the cemetery, ask deep questions, and wake up to do it all again day after day after day...
then you guys... I can too! 
And I always, always will.
On this day, May 29th...
Please don't ever be too, too sad.  Let's mourn her because we miss her, of course.  Let's always do THAT together.  But let's not ever question if her life was cut short or question what she would be like if she were still here with us.  Let's only know deep down in our souls that our Mabel was not meant to be here any longer than she was.  
She was created for a specific time and purpose on this earth, she was lucky enough to live that out here and then she GOT TO GO TO HEAVEN!!!!
All of you kids who I love and adore and cherish and feel brave because of...
Thank you.  
For being alive and for being you.  
I love you with my entire heart and I will always help you remember Mabel just as she was, because she was yours as much as she was mine and she was perfect.  I promise to always be here for you and miss her with you.  I promise to help you navigate love, life and loss always.  

I know that some of you feel an ache and a void that nothing in the world will ever mend of fill.  I know that you must feel like you lost her, like you have to wait a lifetime to be with her again...and I know that can be so overwhelming.  I know that some of you are still so, so little and it will be up to me and your mommies and all of us to help you remember her or even to know her at all. 
We will do that!  She isn't missing from you!  She's right here with you.  It's in such a different way, and I know that feels unfair, but just be aware of the life around you and be willing to feel her how she is now. 
Heavenly.  Spiritually.  Eternally.

You are THE best kids I know.  She adored you and she was so lucky to have you.  
Never forget that her days with you were the best days of her life!  Thank you for loving her so perfectly and for helping me know that she was never alone.
I hope when you look in my eyes, you see her and know that you aren't either.
You are never alone.
I love you all.

Mommy, // Aunt Ramee

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